Jacob

I’m taking a time out from writing in my second novel and my blog to write about someone much more important than both those things.  Someone much more important than most things in my life. My brother, Jacob Jonathan.

Words simply cannot do him justice, at all.  Has he driven me crazy most of my life? Yes. Have I driven him crazy? Yes. Will I be devastated anyways when he passes away? Absolutely.  I would rather have him pissing me off and driving me crazy for many more years to come, than to lose him to cancer.  The big C word, right?

He was only three years old when this horrible journey began for him.  My mother had just given birth to me when she noticed her first born, Jake, was getting sick. I recall her (vaguely) telling me that his head enlarged, at least noticeably, he wouldn’t eat, he had a fever, he was tired all the time, and it got to the point where he would scream if you put him in the bath, likely because that is how much he was burning up, but I can’t be sure. After being written off as a paranoid mother, a doctor finally found the brain tumor.  Medullablastoma.  All the symptoms he exhibited where textbook for this particular brain tumor.

He wasn’t expected to live past the surgery and radiation treatments, let alone live to the age of 41. At 41, they found a “cyst” on his back. A cyst that opened the flood gates for worse and worse news over the next year. We realized very quickly, this wasn’t a cyst but instead a soft tissue cancer called, myxofibrosarcoma. An aggressive cancer that is typical in patients who had undergone radiation at least twenty years prior.

The irony. The thing that saved him almost 40 years ago is going to kill him now. After surgery and radiation at the original site, it wasn’t long before they discovered it had spread to his butt, his lungs, his leg. Medical insurance jerked him around in January for three weeks after that discovery.  This three weeks gave the cancer time to grow and spread to the untouched lung.

He went through several months of chemotherapy once insurance resumed and he responded very well, at first.  Then the chemo stopped affecting the cancer and it was in his liver and his brain. A heartbroken mother, who for the second time had to endure this nightmare with her child, had to tell her two other children that it wouldn’t be long before they would be burying their older brother.

One sibling, me, at the age of 39 and our little brother who is only 14.  Jake is now 42 and likely won’t see his 43^rd birthday. Every day I feel like puking, crying, screaming, or drinking or all of the above at once. We lost our dad almost eight years ago. It seems like a long time ago, numerically, but not emotionally.  I feel like my entire childhood has vanished before my very eyes. I still have my mother, it’s true, but it feels different.  Maybe it’s because she has a whole family with my step dad.  Jake, my dad, her, and I were once a whole family.  My father is dead, Jake is going to die and my mom has another family, I begin to feel sometimes it’s going to be as if we never existed.  All those memories will fade away and disappear and somehow, so will I.

It is all very selfish. I’m wallowing in self-pity when I should be thinking about him and spending time with him, which I fully intend to do, but I can’t stop what’s coming.  I can’t do anything to help him. I want to save him, but I can’t. He is too young to die. 

Girls' Trip - The Stranger in the Bar - Part III

Sarah stared at her feet as they clomped along the sidewalk. The four women headed towards the lounge, ready to sing their hearts out.  Well, the rest of the women were anyway. Sarah had to be very drunk for that urge to spill forth.  Her new blue wedges clicked and thudded along the path that separated the beach from the treeline. She felt the summer breeze on her face and listened to the peaceful sound of the waves of the lake rolling up onto the shore. It felt serene and calm, so why didn’t she?

She lagged behind her friends and realized, outside of their little group, the resort was quiet for a Friday night.  She looked at her phone. 900 pm.  She furrowed her brow; suddenly she could hear voices as they closed in on the main lodge.

I must have zoned out.  She realized there were people all around them, but she had been lost in her own little world.

They climbed the steep metal grate stairs that led to the main back of the resort. Once at the top they looked through the tall glass windows and peered in at the pool and hot tub. Dispersed throughout were also many games, like ping-pong, table pool, and air hockey. They pulled open the heavy doors and headed in the direction of a hallway that would lead them to the Spotted Deer Pub, where karaoke was just revving up for the night.

The pub was packed and the men outnumbered the women four to one. Most were in their early thirties, too young for Sarah’s liking.

A younger man was belting out Garth Brooks, Friends in Low Places as they grabbed a table near the front of the bar. The night never seemed to really start until some drunk frat guy belted out that song while his friends cheered him on from their table.

“Yes! We made it!” Melinda cheered and drummed her hands on the table before running to grab a fat binder containing their a list of song choices.

A friendly, but tired looking server, probably in her early sixties, approached and took their drink orders. Sarah took her first sip of her vodka cranberry and closed her eyes.

“I needed this,” she said to the others.  However, her body stiffened and when she opened her eyes, they fell on a man in the corner staring at her or at least in the direction of her table. It didn’t feel like the typical flirty stare, it felt dark and predatory.  She shuddered.

She leaned over to whisper to Terry, when she noticed that Terry too stared in the same direction, but her face had turned completely white in fear. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that Terry knew the stranger in the corner.

Girls' Trip - Something Dark Looms - Part II

The chatter of birds, squirrels, and 40 - somethings filled the wooded area by the rental cabin. Melinda lifted her huge metal fan and suitcase out of her vehicle, while Terry grabbed the laundry basket full of beer and paper cups. Dot grabbed her suitcase with a bottle of vodka in her other hand. Sarah giggled to herself because they all had their priorities in check.

Sarah knew that she would want to get herself in a room and begin to cook and mix up a weekend cocktail. They had about five hours until sunset, and Sarah did not want to miss that before heading up to the local bar for the karaoke. This year she had volunteered for the Friday night meal. Something simple. Tacos.  Each year she would bring up a new fun drink or shot, that wasn't so simple to make.

A few years ago, she made strawberry margaritas, but they were jello shots housed inside a strawberry. They didn’t last long in the small cabin with the women. This year, she planned to make a “smores” shot, to serve by the fire pit, of course. Sarah’s mouth watered as she thought about it and she excitedly slammed the trunk shut, yanking her suitcases behind her.

She went around to the patio and set her foldable lawn chair on the deck. She had long forgotten the chill that had crept up her spine and took in the beautiful scenery of the beach. It felt so secluded, even for the resort. Trees in the front and lake in the back. She took in one last deep breath and then finally went inside to pick a room.

After everyone had settled into a spot in the cabin it wasn't long before the smell of sizzling ground beef and taco seasoning filled the cabin, along with the sound of gossiping and work vents.

“So anyway, Elizabeth, from work, missed yet another deadline. I don’t know how much more of this I can take,” Dot exclaimed with exasperation as she mixed her first drink of the evening.

“It’s so frustrating, I know.” Terry replied. Terry seemed to be humoring Dot who had been at the end of her rope with the new hire for sometime. Every other sentence, she looked down at the face of her smart phone.

Sarah stirred as she listened as did Melinda, who would chime in from time to time, as well. 

“Oh crap, there’s my phone again,” Terry jumped up to retrieve an incoming text message. She blushed slightly when her friends all stopped and smirked at her.

“Ok, ok. I’ve been online dating, as you all know, and there are a couple of guys I’m really into right now, but I’m not sure which one I like the most.  One is really sweet and thoughtful, and the other one is just really sexy,” she laughed. "I promise, I won't be doing this all weekend.

“So, you are going to take the sexy one, right?” Sarah winked at her.

“Why can’t I have both?” All the girls laughed and the conversation continued between the four women throughout dinner.

Once the foursome had finally tried on several outfits and applied hairspray and make up they were headed out to the karaoke bar.  However, Sarah's forgotten creep, resurfaced. Her heart sank briefly as she looked back at the cabin. They had decided to walk the short distance, instead of worrying about leaving a vehicle behind.

She turned her head quickly to catch a bright splash of orange and pink rise over the horizon. It was more spectacular than she remembered from the previous year, but something dark loomed around her and it wasn’t the impending sunset. She shuddered once more and decided that she would keep her eyes peeled for something sinister this weekend.

She almost laughed aloud at her own ridiculous thoughts.