Kicking Out Taxol with Relaxation And a Jacuzzi for Two...Sort Of.

I’m so very sorry for the long delay. It’s been a little hectic around here for sure. I feel overwhelmed most days. The wedding is looming as well as the return to work. I’ll need a refresher course in passwords at my desk.

But before that, I’m looking at doing both radiation on the 26^th as well as physical therapy now, but I won’t know anything for sure until Monday when I go in to meet with the oncologist.

The physical therapy came out last week when my fiancé and I got to go to a bed and breakfast that caters to those going through cancer treatment. Though they take anyone as a customer, the woman who runs this B&B gives a, free, three-night stay with meals to those going through active treatment.

As you can see from the pictures below of our stay, Mystic Views (which runs in conjunction with Priceless4Purpose), was a relaxing getaway vacation, with delicious food. I am famously known for my immense hatred for eggs. I won’t even eat French toast most times because I can taste the egg. The only way I have managed to eat eggs is if I have them over easy and dip my toast in the yolk, then toss the rest. But this lovely woman, Cindy, made an Omelet so good I ate the entire thing. Now I couldn’t eat the egg alone, but there was so much wonderfulness inside this Omelet I had nothing to worry about and I inhaled it. Sausage, onions, wild rice, Portobello mushrooms, celery, and cheese. It was heaven in an egg shell.

It has to be said (about the below picture) that it's advertised on the pamphlet for the bed and breakfast, that there is a Jacuzzi for two. Of course when I got there I had to ask her, is this for two MINNESOTA bodies or two ARIZONA bodies. 

I admit, there was some necessary maneuvering needed, but we made it work.  We probably just needed less water than people from Arizona would have needed. 

On the second day there we went antiquing in Nisswa and had a scrumptious pizza at Rafferty’s. Then we went to The Big Axe Brewery and had a Tart Cherry Shandy…yum! 

This was our only adventure. So most of our stay we played games and watched Netflix. I heart Stranger Things!

The stars were amazing all the nights we were there and I was even able to glimpse a shooting star. Kevin got a kick out of the sunsets and sunrises. I only peeked as these as my energy waned in the evening and I slept later than he did in the morning. I will not forget this trip anytime soon. I most certainly worried so little and for me, that is saying a lot.

Though the chemo was done and had been done for a week at that point, my feet had begun to swell, and I could only wear slippers. Not to mention my right arm was in pain. I’m fearing this is lymphedema. This is basically caused by the lumpectomy I had, and the three lymph nodes that were removed. It can cause the swelling of my feet and could possibly swell my arm to twice or more it’s natural size. It’s very rare, but from everything I googled, that’s what this pain sounds like. Another thing it could be is cording. The cause being the same.

Again, I’ll find out next week for sure. In the meantime, I’ve been doing my stretches I found online to help me along. They remind me of 70s workout videos in the sense they aren't as hardcore as the newest workouts tend to be, but I do find that they help my arm to hurt less if I do these once a day. And they aren't meant to be hardcore either, obviously. I mean I can barely put my right arm above my head in a straight line without wincing...screaming...whatever.

The worst part is my engagement ring hasn’t been fitting. I can get it on, but I can’t get it off easily. I worry it will get stuck, so I haven’t been wearing it. I haven’t been eating nearly as much as I was on chemo, but I don’t believe any weight loss has yet to occur…ugh!  The expectation that I had lost weight on chemo has not happened, but rather weight gain which is more common with breast cancer.

I still have the hot flashes and heartburn and I’m still tired, but each day it’s getting better and better. I also have started taking pictures of my head each week to document hair growth. I think it’s growing quickly and maybe I’ll have a pixie hairdo at the wedding, but I’m still going to wear a wig. I wanted long hair at my wedding all my life. At least that is how I always pictured it, and I intend for that to happen. However, I do worry about how well that thing stays on. That could be embarrassing in wedding photos...crooked wig. People just need to not hug me and it should stay on just fine. I mean who is gonna want to hug me at my wedding? Oh yeah, about 200 people. Great. That's what personal attendants are for, right?

After our wonderful get away, it was back to the hospital to set up the radiation process and mark me up. I couldn’t stop the tears that sprung up as I lay there on a machine similar to an MRI. The doctor came in and immediately noticed my upset seeing how I was unable to wipe away the tears with my arms stuck above my head at this point. He asked me what was wrong and all I could say was that it was another new thing and I was just scared.

As I lay there during the simulation I thought of my dearly departed brother and the video my mother took as he rang the bell after his own radiation treatment was completed. There was this proud happy smile on his face as he nervously rang away. And in that moment, remembering his moment, I decided I will NOT be ringing any bell when my radiation is complete. I now see it as bad luck. A moment locked in time taunting us. As I write this I once again cannot stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. It’s almost been a year since he died, and it still feels like yesterday.

Well enough blubbering for one day, I still have so much to get done in regards to paperwork…it seems never-ending. And that darn kitchen, it still needs more cleaning. My book has not been worked on either, so don’t feel bad blog readers. I neglected both.

All things seem to be coming to a head, so as stressful as it is now, I guess that means that stress is about to dramatically decrease. 

One of those things that adds stress (good and bad) came at another bad time. I had a few ladies from the wedding party come over to help with putting bouquets together. It was really the officiant that did the bulk of it all. Being a wedding planner, she was just better at it anyway. ha ha ha!

In reality, I had just had my last chemo (though I was not aware of that at the time) and I was struggling. Each treatment was getting worse and worse with side effects. (Such as neuropathy, feeling tired, nails starting to pull away from my skin and break and just everything compounding. Anytime I bumped a finger lightly I burst into tears from the pain) This is why the chemo was stopped a bit early. I was to have three more, but we (the oncologist and I) decided against it at this point due to how I was doing. I also have to schedule surgery again to remove the port. I'm not looking forward to that because of how painful the hand IVs are for me. 

Anyway, I was suffering the effects big time at this point, and couldn't do much to help my friend put these together. I was ready to just take the first one she did and work on it at a later date, but she whipped right through them. On a mission to finish them. 

The other bridesmaid there was sick and just as useful as me. I mean between my tiredness and the mad sweating and the other woman looking like death, we didn't leave her many options. I felt so terrible that she had to do this alone, but she really did it quickly and wonderfully, how bad can I feel. Who knows what I would have done to it? And it was greatly appreciated. 

Over time, I know that things will go back to normal. I just hope that they don't go so much back to normal that I take everything for granted. After June I intend to make a lot of changes to my life to hopefully ensure I have a lot of life left. But I also don't want to live in fear and dwell on it either.

At least my child keeps things normal with her sweet nature that turns quickly to meltdowns and tantrums. It helps me to forget everything else when she is driving me nuts like 5 year-olds do.

Taxol: Six of Them Left...

UPDATE: They said yesterday was six, but I only count 5. I will need to resolve this...

Sleeping has been my thing as of late, and when I’m not sleeping, I’m filling out paperwork or trying to keep up with the 5 year old. There is nothing like finding the energy to start doing the dishes and this when she wants me to help with her something. Seriously, for over an hour, nothing, and then I move or someone calls and she needs all of my focus. It's a wonder I get anything done with this not so tiny dictator in my home. Thank God for preschool or I think we would both be sick of each other by now. Okay, she adores me and I her, but some days...

Last week I went to treatment with my little brother. He is so cute.  (Don’t tell him I said that) We didn’t talk too much as we were both buried in our electronics we brought. I was bent over my laptop as the nurse tried to administer treatment. The cord kept getting in my way while I tried to type. But in my defense, I had to act quickly before she brought out the Benedryl. It's not long after this medication and I'm drooling and seeing 10 fingers...on one hand. 

Kellen, not noticing any of this as watched Netflix on IPAD. Whether we spoke or not it was nicer having someone with me than going it alone.

I hadn’t noticed neuropathy until this past week. My feet had become this weird fuzzy numbness on top of the dryness. I could only assume it was this neur..op..athy...the doctors spoke of. 

Now I have to be on the watch for this and whether or not it gets worse. I’m hoping with only 6 weeks left of chemo before the daily radiation begins that it won’t become too terrible. It can become permanent and I don’t want that to happen. I tend to not remember or notice things like this too much. I’m a big baby about needles, but yet I don’t react to other pain in the way that I should.

After celebrating, the kid brother’s birthday later that evening with a game of Pandemic (that is after we forced him off his laptop where he did nothing but talk to his friends online) I brought him home in the morning. It’s always lovely visiting with him. (sarcasm)

Next, I finally got back in to see my counselor, which they offer you with cancer treatment. It went well, but as is typical of me, I’m all over the place on topics in a short hour. It will be hard or I’ll need a lot of appointments just to nail down one topic. 

So many things stressing me out, not to mention our current POTUS, but I won’t get into that too much (if I can stop myself, which I probably won't be able to) as I know that it’s a very sensitive issue. I do get into it on my Facebook with posts here and there.  And I do delete posts that I don’t agree with, but I see that arguing with people almost seems fruitless. We only see what we want to see and we can’t see what we don’t understand or won't try to open our minds to understand. Yep just went off on a topic, I'll save that for another post I think. (Delete, delete, delete, delete)

So moving along, it was good to get things off of my chest. From my brother’s passing, who I have yet to deal with that, to financial issues, to wedding stress, to people that have aggravated me recently due to their lack of compassion for others, to cancer treatment, to just normal day to day. There is a heavy weight on me all of the time.  So this has likely contributed to me not updating my blog longer than usual. My heart simply hasn't been in writing. But hopefully that is changing now.

On another note, my daughter will be going with her dad this weekend. My wonderful fiancé and I will get some time to ourselves for the first time in awhile. It should be very stress relieving and relaxing. I think we will maybe go somewhere like a movie and play some board games, with out the tot taking the tiny pieces. She likes tiny objects.

Finally, today I went to another treatment, sans companion this time. And this round, along with the last, the port access was painless…thank the Lord. Another stressor, as I have mentioned previously.

I had my original Nurse again and the one I met recently. They are both such wonderful women. Quite frankly, they all are so wonderful. Doing what they do, makes me want to cry. To see what they see everyday (like most nurses), but dealing with life and death like they do and having such resolve to stay positive and happy for our benefits and making this process so much easier than it would otherwise be. I can’t thank them enough.

I had a later appointment this time, so no lunch menu, but that’s fine. It’s so flavorless for me. I remember enjoying the food so much more after having my daughter there, so I know it’s not horrible food. It’s not a five star restaurant, but no worse than cafeteria food in school. That’s just my opinion though.

Well I need more coffee and I have to finish getting Melina's bags ready for school and her dads, since insomnia and the head sweats have reared their ugly heads... It's totally sexy to be sweating from the bald head. Blah!