I’m so very sorry for the long delay. It’s been a little
hectic around here for sure. I feel overwhelmed most days. The wedding is
looming as well as the return to work. I’ll need a refresher course in
passwords at my desk.
But before that, I’m looking at doing both radiation on the
26th as well as physical therapy now, but I won’t know anything for
sure until Monday when I go in to meet with the oncologist.
The physical therapy came out last week when my fiancé and I
got to go to a bed and breakfast that caters to those going through cancer
treatment. Though they take anyone as a customer, the woman who runs this
B&B gives a, free, three-night stay with meals to those going through
active treatment.
As you can see from the pictures below of our stay, Mystic Views (which runs in
conjunction with Priceless4Purpose), was a relaxing getaway vacation, with delicious food.
I am famously known for my immense hatred for eggs. I won’t even eat French toast
most times because I can taste the egg. The only way I have managed to eat eggs
is if I have them over easy and dip my toast in the yolk, then toss the rest.
But this lovely woman, Cindy, made an Omelet so good I ate the entire thing.
Now I couldn’t eat the egg alone, but there was so much wonderfulness inside
this Omelet I had nothing to worry about and I inhaled it. Sausage, onions,
wild rice, Portobello mushrooms, celery, and cheese. It was heaven in an egg shell.
It has to be said (about the below picture) that it's advertised on the pamphlet for the bed and breakfast, that there is a Jacuzzi for two. Of course when I got there I had to ask her, is this for two MINNESOTA bodies or two ARIZONA bodies.
I admit, there was some necessary maneuvering needed, but we made it work. We probably just needed less water than people from Arizona would have needed.
On the second day there we went antiquing in Nisswa and had
a scrumptious pizza at Rafferty’s. Then we went to The Big Axe Brewery and had
a Tart Cherry Shandy…yum!
This was our only adventure. So most of our stay we played games and watched Netflix. I heart Stranger Things!
The stars were amazing all the nights we were there and I was even able to glimpse a shooting star. Kevin got a kick out of the sunsets and sunrises. I only peeked as these as my energy waned in the evening and I slept later than he did in the morning. I will not forget this trip anytime soon. I most certainly worried so little and for me, that is saying a lot.
Though the chemo was done and had been done for a week at that point, my feet had begun to swell, and I could
only wear slippers. Not to mention my
right arm was in pain. I’m fearing this is lymphedema. This is basically caused
by the lumpectomy I had, and the three lymph nodes that were removed. It can
cause the swelling of my feet and could possibly swell my arm to twice or more
it’s natural size. It’s very rare, but from everything I googled, that’s what
this pain sounds like. Another thing it could be is cording. The cause being
the same.
Again, I’ll find out next week for sure. In the meantime, I’ve
been doing my stretches I found online to help me along. They remind me of 70s workout videos in the sense they aren't as hardcore as the newest workouts tend to be, but I do find that they help my arm to hurt less if I do these once a day. And they aren't meant to be hardcore either, obviously. I mean I can barely put my right arm above my head in a straight line without wincing...screaming...whatever.
The worst part is my engagement
ring hasn’t been fitting. I can get it on, but I can’t get it off easily. I
worry it will get stuck, so I haven’t been wearing it. I haven’t been eating
nearly as much as I was on chemo, but I don’t believe any weight loss has yet
to occur…ugh! The expectation that I had
lost weight on chemo has not happened, but rather weight gain which is more
common with breast cancer.
I still have the hot flashes and heartburn and I’m still
tired, but each day it’s getting better and better. I also have started taking
pictures of my head each week to document hair growth. I think it’s growing quickly and maybe I’ll have a pixie hairdo at the wedding, but I’m still
going to wear a wig. I wanted long hair at my wedding all my life. At least that is how I always pictured it, and I intend for that to happen. However, I do worry about how well that thing stays on. That could be embarrassing in wedding photos...crooked wig. People just need to not hug me and it should stay on just fine. I mean who is gonna want to hug me at my wedding? Oh yeah, about 200 people. Great. That's what personal attendants are for, right?
After our wonderful get away, it was back to the hospital to
set up the radiation process and mark me up. I couldn’t stop the tears that
sprung up as I lay there on a machine similar to an MRI. The doctor came in and
immediately noticed my upset seeing how I was unable to wipe away the tears with my arms stuck above
my head at this point. He asked me what was wrong and all I could say was that
it was another new thing and I was just scared.
As I lay there during the simulation I thought of my dearly
departed brother and the video my mother took as he rang the bell after his own
radiation treatment was completed. There was this proud happy smile on his face
as he nervously rang away. And in that moment, remembering his moment, I
decided I will NOT be ringing any bell when my radiation is complete. I now see
it as bad luck. A moment locked in time taunting us. As I write this I once
again cannot stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. It’s almost been a
year since he died, and it still feels like yesterday.
Well enough blubbering for one day, I still have so much to
get done in regards to paperwork…it seems never-ending. And that darn kitchen,
it still needs more cleaning. My book has not been worked on either, so don’t
feel bad blog readers. I neglected both.
All things seem to be coming to a head, so as stressful as
it is now, I guess that means that stress is about to dramatically decrease.
One of those things that adds stress (good and bad) came at another bad time. I had a few ladies from the wedding party come over to help with putting bouquets together. It was really the officiant that did the bulk of it all. Being a wedding planner, she was just better at it anyway. ha ha ha!
In reality, I had just had my last chemo (though I was not aware of that at the time) and I was struggling. Each treatment was getting worse and worse with side effects. (Such as neuropathy, feeling tired, nails starting to pull away from my skin and break and just everything compounding. Anytime I bumped a finger lightly I burst into tears from the pain) This is why the chemo was stopped a bit early. I was to have three more, but we (the oncologist and I) decided against it at this point due to how I was doing. I also have to schedule surgery again to remove the port. I'm not looking forward to that because of how painful the hand IVs are for me.
Anyway, I was suffering the effects big time at this point, and couldn't do much to help my friend put these together. I was ready to just take the first one she did and work on it at a later date, but she whipped right through them. On a mission to finish them.
The other bridesmaid there was sick and just as useful as me. I mean between my tiredness and the mad sweating and the other woman looking like death, we didn't leave her many options. I felt so terrible that she had to do this alone, but she really did it quickly and wonderfully, how bad can I feel. Who knows what I would have done to it? And it was greatly appreciated.
Over time, I know that things will go back to normal. I just hope that they don't go so much back to normal that I take everything for granted. After June I intend to make a lot of changes to my life to hopefully ensure I have a lot of life left. But I also don't want to live in fear and dwell on it either.
At least my child keeps things normal with her
sweet nature that turns quickly to meltdowns and tantrums. It helps me to
forget everything else when she is driving me nuts like 5 year-olds do.
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