Kicking Out Taxol with Relaxation And a Jacuzzi for Two...Sort Of.

I’m so very sorry for the long delay. It’s been a little hectic around here for sure. I feel overwhelmed most days. The wedding is looming as well as the return to work. I’ll need a refresher course in passwords at my desk.

But before that, I’m looking at doing both radiation on the 26^th as well as physical therapy now, but I won’t know anything for sure until Monday when I go in to meet with the oncologist.

The physical therapy came out last week when my fiancé and I got to go to a bed and breakfast that caters to those going through cancer treatment. Though they take anyone as a customer, the woman who runs this B&B gives a, free, three-night stay with meals to those going through active treatment.

As you can see from the pictures below of our stay, Mystic Views (which runs in conjunction with Priceless4Purpose), was a relaxing getaway vacation, with delicious food. I am famously known for my immense hatred for eggs. I won’t even eat French toast most times because I can taste the egg. The only way I have managed to eat eggs is if I have them over easy and dip my toast in the yolk, then toss the rest. But this lovely woman, Cindy, made an Omelet so good I ate the entire thing. Now I couldn’t eat the egg alone, but there was so much wonderfulness inside this Omelet I had nothing to worry about and I inhaled it. Sausage, onions, wild rice, Portobello mushrooms, celery, and cheese. It was heaven in an egg shell.

It has to be said (about the below picture) that it's advertised on the pamphlet for the bed and breakfast, that there is a Jacuzzi for two. Of course when I got there I had to ask her, is this for two MINNESOTA bodies or two ARIZONA bodies. 

I admit, there was some necessary maneuvering needed, but we made it work.  We probably just needed less water than people from Arizona would have needed. 

On the second day there we went antiquing in Nisswa and had a scrumptious pizza at Rafferty’s. Then we went to The Big Axe Brewery and had a Tart Cherry Shandy…yum! 

This was our only adventure. So most of our stay we played games and watched Netflix. I heart Stranger Things!

The stars were amazing all the nights we were there and I was even able to glimpse a shooting star. Kevin got a kick out of the sunsets and sunrises. I only peeked as these as my energy waned in the evening and I slept later than he did in the morning. I will not forget this trip anytime soon. I most certainly worried so little and for me, that is saying a lot.

Though the chemo was done and had been done for a week at that point, my feet had begun to swell, and I could only wear slippers. Not to mention my right arm was in pain. I’m fearing this is lymphedema. This is basically caused by the lumpectomy I had, and the three lymph nodes that were removed. It can cause the swelling of my feet and could possibly swell my arm to twice or more it’s natural size. It’s very rare, but from everything I googled, that’s what this pain sounds like. Another thing it could be is cording. The cause being the same.

Again, I’ll find out next week for sure. In the meantime, I’ve been doing my stretches I found online to help me along. They remind me of 70s workout videos in the sense they aren't as hardcore as the newest workouts tend to be, but I do find that they help my arm to hurt less if I do these once a day. And they aren't meant to be hardcore either, obviously. I mean I can barely put my right arm above my head in a straight line without wincing...screaming...whatever.

The worst part is my engagement ring hasn’t been fitting. I can get it on, but I can’t get it off easily. I worry it will get stuck, so I haven’t been wearing it. I haven’t been eating nearly as much as I was on chemo, but I don’t believe any weight loss has yet to occur…ugh!  The expectation that I had lost weight on chemo has not happened, but rather weight gain which is more common with breast cancer.

I still have the hot flashes and heartburn and I’m still tired, but each day it’s getting better and better. I also have started taking pictures of my head each week to document hair growth. I think it’s growing quickly and maybe I’ll have a pixie hairdo at the wedding, but I’m still going to wear a wig. I wanted long hair at my wedding all my life. At least that is how I always pictured it, and I intend for that to happen. However, I do worry about how well that thing stays on. That could be embarrassing in wedding photos...crooked wig. People just need to not hug me and it should stay on just fine. I mean who is gonna want to hug me at my wedding? Oh yeah, about 200 people. Great. That's what personal attendants are for, right?

After our wonderful get away, it was back to the hospital to set up the radiation process and mark me up. I couldn’t stop the tears that sprung up as I lay there on a machine similar to an MRI. The doctor came in and immediately noticed my upset seeing how I was unable to wipe away the tears with my arms stuck above my head at this point. He asked me what was wrong and all I could say was that it was another new thing and I was just scared.

As I lay there during the simulation I thought of my dearly departed brother and the video my mother took as he rang the bell after his own radiation treatment was completed. There was this proud happy smile on his face as he nervously rang away. And in that moment, remembering his moment, I decided I will NOT be ringing any bell when my radiation is complete. I now see it as bad luck. A moment locked in time taunting us. As I write this I once again cannot stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. It’s almost been a year since he died, and it still feels like yesterday.

Well enough blubbering for one day, I still have so much to get done in regards to paperwork…it seems never-ending. And that darn kitchen, it still needs more cleaning. My book has not been worked on either, so don’t feel bad blog readers. I neglected both.

All things seem to be coming to a head, so as stressful as it is now, I guess that means that stress is about to dramatically decrease. 

One of those things that adds stress (good and bad) came at another bad time. I had a few ladies from the wedding party come over to help with putting bouquets together. It was really the officiant that did the bulk of it all. Being a wedding planner, she was just better at it anyway. ha ha ha!

In reality, I had just had my last chemo (though I was not aware of that at the time) and I was struggling. Each treatment was getting worse and worse with side effects. (Such as neuropathy, feeling tired, nails starting to pull away from my skin and break and just everything compounding. Anytime I bumped a finger lightly I burst into tears from the pain) This is why the chemo was stopped a bit early. I was to have three more, but we (the oncologist and I) decided against it at this point due to how I was doing. I also have to schedule surgery again to remove the port. I'm not looking forward to that because of how painful the hand IVs are for me. 

Anyway, I was suffering the effects big time at this point, and couldn't do much to help my friend put these together. I was ready to just take the first one she did and work on it at a later date, but she whipped right through them. On a mission to finish them. 

The other bridesmaid there was sick and just as useful as me. I mean between my tiredness and the mad sweating and the other woman looking like death, we didn't leave her many options. I felt so terrible that she had to do this alone, but she really did it quickly and wonderfully, how bad can I feel. Who knows what I would have done to it? And it was greatly appreciated. 

Over time, I know that things will go back to normal. I just hope that they don't go so much back to normal that I take everything for granted. After June I intend to make a lot of changes to my life to hopefully ensure I have a lot of life left. But I also don't want to live in fear and dwell on it either.

At least my child keeps things normal with her sweet nature that turns quickly to meltdowns and tantrums. It helps me to forget everything else when she is driving me nuts like 5 year-olds do.

A Day in The Life of Taxol. Four Left To Go.

Tossing and turning all night long has exhausted me daily. I dream, then wake as my cheeks become engulfed in flames and it slowly spreads to the top of my head. A strange cool feeling hits my head as tiny pin prick beads of sweat burst forth from every hair follicle. I touch my head to see if I’m sweating. Sometimes I am, sometimes, I’m simply hot. I fan furiously with one hand and feel instant relief. However, the moment my hand stops, the heat hits me in full force. I can only wait it out and tear the blankets off. In a few minutes I’m freezing. It’s a nightly battle.

During the day I’m treated to the same experience, but it seems less often. My hat often finds itself left on a counter while I’m at home because I’m only moments away from tearing it off.

When the sun comes up or when I’m ready to drag my tired body out of bed, I step carefully. My feet are half asleep and half in pain. This seems to be worse with each treatment, but not bad enough to slow the treatments down..yet.  HOT FLASH!

On this morning, I needed to hop in the shower and try to get my baby brother and little girl moving. They both had school. I felt nervous. All day Sunday I could barely move off the couch. This latest round of Taxol seemed to mimic the Red Devil. This past week or two I have also needed assistance in opening a can of pop or pushing a heart burn pill out of the bubble packaging, since my fingernails are so painful. Initially, I thought it was the nail polish I had on, but now I realize this is the neuropathy rearing it's ugly head.

I began to feel more awake as the shower progress, but also like I could crawl back in bed. However, once out of the shower I was now completely awake. And yet, neither the 15 year old nor the 5 year old had moved an inch. Seriously?

We finally got moving, even with flu like aches and pains and this bloated ugly feeling. I pulled into my brother’s school parking lot and caught a glimpse of my eyebrows in the rear view mirror. They are almost gone and the bags under my eyes look even bigger. Perhaps because half of my eyelashes are gone they appear larger? I sped away to the Caribou to get an additional boost before going to my mom’s. My daughter starts school later than her uncle, so we eat breakfast there before she gets dropped off.

While she is at school I always have high expectations of doing this, writing. Or getting paperwork filled out, responding to emails, or any number of things I should get done, and I usually end up talking with my mother and not accomplishing much in the 2.5. hours she is gone. Or I have a doctor appointment during this time. This day was no different. Not feeling well, I decided to just sit there and talk while I waited for my little girl to be done with school.

Once she is loaded back into the car, we head back home and I can’t wait to just lay down. If I stand for too long I feel the color drain from my face. I don’t feel nauseated, but more like if I don’t sit back or lay down, I will end up sitting or laying down without my consent. My wonderful fiancé dresses up our kiddo in her snow pants and boots and coat and allows me to rest while they go sledding for an hour. She returns sweaty and red cheeked bringing me back to my own sledding days. Even the smell of her sweat from out door play is sweet to me.

Finally, after three days of feeling less than human, I start to feel the side effects from last week wane. I'm not feeling so well that I would dare touch a glass of liquor right now, but I can maybe make my own dinner tonight. I can drink something without pain emanating from my teeth when the cold liquid touches them. I can be less careful about grabbing things without worrying if I tore a nail off because they are no longer as painful and do not feel as fragile, though they likely are very fragile.

I will not be escaping the sweats though. One curious thing seems to be happening that I just noticed today, it looks as though my hair on the top of my head is growing, somewhat? Immediately I googled this oddity as I feared it meant that the chemo may not be working, or the cancer is stronger than the medicine. I felt relieved as I read others had encountered this same thing on Taxol. I know everyone reacts differently, even to different chemos, but it seemed like an odd thing to happen when my eyebrows are still coming out.

I do reflect on one positive from the last few days. I have been way too busy feeling cruddy to allow the news to stress me out. I review my phone less in those moments. Log in less to facebook, turn the tv on less to the news stations. 

It is exhausting sitting up, grabbing a remote, and turning the channel. I simply can't be bothered with that. This may be something I begin doing regardless of how I feel just to keep my sanity and my blood pressure at a normal rate.