The Diagnosis - Breast Cancer

Well, things didn't go as I had planned. I received a call, fin...let me back this up actually.  I was told I would hear on Wednesday.  All day I sat at my desk waiting for my work phone to ring. When I left my desk I would take my cell phone with me. The call never came. Every half an hour that passed I would cross that time off my personal calendar.

I sat there (I had to work an hour late to make up time from the biopsy appointment) at my desk staring at the clock on my computer, realizing it was now 5:00 p.m. and most doctor offices were now closed. I felt perplexed.  All day people felt it was a good sign that I hadn't heard yet. It wasn't an urgent issue for them, they believed. I started to believe it too. Now, as I sat there looking at the time turn to 5:01, I wondered, why would they promise to call me no matter what and not?

I picked up my desk phone and called the number on the form that radiology gave me.  Someone answered!!!!!!!  Hallelujah!

"I had a biopsy there on Monday and was told I would hear by today and no one has called me." Instant dejection when her response was, "Your primary doctor will be the one to call you."

She asked me my date of birth and spelling of my last name as she clicked and clacked on the keyboard of her computer to see if the test results had yet been sent. Turned out, they had. To both my OB (who did the initial exam) and my GP (who wasn't involved at all).

I felt desperate and angry. I left emails for both offices since they were closed.

The next morning, I sat at my desk, checked my emails and my medical chart online. No responses and no voice mails. Once more I picked up my phone, before 800 and left a voicemail with the triage nurseline at my OB's office.

Two more hours pass by and still nothing.  This time I called my GP's number and left a message with reception to call me. Hope began to well up in me that if they weren't calling me, it had to be nothing. Wrong.

My phone finally rang and I picked up it expectantly. She said, Hi Karen, this is so and so.  Blah and blah and blah and unfortunately....my heart sank.

It didn't hit me until I started taking notes on the cancer type and other things. While it was a very common, possibly the most common breast cancer and an "early" cancer, the Grade and receptor status weren't.  It began to feel fear like I never had in my entire life.  That was when the tears began to roll and I couldn't speak without choking up. Inside, I'm begging for someone to tell me that it will be fine and I won't die, outside I'm asking this nurse if I'm going to die, but of course I know she can't answer that question. No one can.

I picture my brother, his face contorted in fear and grief as he lay in his hospice bed, crying. I'm panicked and desperate.  I just want to go home. I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything, but I have to get connected with Occupational Health because there will be appointments that I need covered by FMLA. I'm thinking all of this as I continue to write and ask questions that I have already forgotten. My appointment with the doctor is October 6th, unless someone cancels and I can get in sooner. I may just meet with her or the Oncologist first or something like that.  It's all wing dings to me. (computer nerds should get that). So here I go.  No scary made up stories of a killer on the loose in the woods. I guess this will be the blog for now, a scary story of a very real tiny monster on the loose inside of me.

Wish me luck.

Where am I? Where am I going? - Breast Cancer

I laid on the hospital bed in radiology. One breast partially exposed, with the towel draped over a portion of it. The same towel that was used to mop up the excess ultrasound gel. One hand feverishly wiped at tears as I registered the news that the ultra sound tech had just delivered and the other hand lamely tried to keep the gown from falling open. Futile as it was considering I had been exposed already. The nurse had been out of the room now for 15 minutes at this point and I thought I could wait it out for the doctor to come in for his turn to take a look for himself, but I couldn’t. I thought of my brother, who just passed away.  Then I thought about my daughter.  What would happen to her if I died from cancer?  From Breast Cancer.

I chastised myself for crying and the fact that I had no real answers at this point.

I swung my legs over the edge of the bed/table and reached to grab my phone from my purse. People were waiting to hear how it went. Not only would they want an update, but I felt the urge or need to reach out and not be alone, like I felt in that moment.

As I sent the final message to my fiancé the doctor finally knocked. Then back to the table so he could do another ultra sound. This time I was shown what they were looking at and what gave them cause for concern. Something about tiny dots and a black empty void (which is actually the problem area).  He also stated that it’s not the typical benign picture he would see when looking at mammograms and ultrasounds. More tears began to flow as soon as he said, "We will do a biopsy," and they were going to do it right then and there, if it worked with my schedule. How could it not? Why would I chance it and wait? After going through this with Jake, I realized that every second counted. He didn't think much about the bump on his back. It's not his fault, most of us probably would wait it out, but I learned not to wait it out. If it is cancer and it's aggressive, I need to be aggressive first.

I began to blubber about my brother to them and immediately felt embarrassed, but I couldn't stop the tears and the sobbing. I wanted to know survival rates because I felt like the doctors consistently evaded that question with Jake until it spread to his brain. This blubbering was followed by apologizing for blubbering, but the doctor and the tech never batted an eye and only offer comfort, the best they could. Once again, I’m left alone in the room while I send more messages to family and friends. Luckily, this time the tech is in and out of the room, setting up for the biopsy they are about to do, which doesn’t sound like something I’m going to enjoy. I’ve never had a biopsy before, but I ask if it will hurt. The Dr., before he left the room, compared it to a dental appointment. In hindsight, had I fully grasped that comparison, I would have been much more afraid of the anesthesia.

Before they begin, they have me a sign a form stating that they explained to me what they were going to do, which they did. I then laid back on the table. I closed my eyes, after the towels and drape were placed, and kept nervously moving my feet as they continued to prep me for a needle to puncture my right breast and numb the area. (Couldn’t they give me something to numb me from the numbing procedure?) It did not feel pleasant. It was painful. A couple of times sharp pain would hit, and the rest of the time strong pressure. I felt like the pain may have been worse because I was so afraid of the unknown. I wondered if I was more sensitive to the pain due to my hyper focus. Once numbed, the Dr. spoke of a clicking noise that might startle me when he actually took the samples.  Four to be exact. Then he went back to leave behind a marker clip. This marker would let them know where the biopsy had occurred. I cringed many times throughout and held my breath. When it was finally over, I could breathe again.

By that point, my breast had been pulled, squished, pushed on, and poked and prodded and now I was going to be going back to squishing after they glued my incision shut. This time they wanted to verify the clip was in place. And for some reason I needed to pee twice in an hour, which was odd. I made a few dumb jokes when given an ice pack. Something like, well it is the smaller of the two breasts, so the ice pack will fit just fine in the bra. (insert eye roll here). And another joke of the size of that breast and it really couldn't afford to take any more hits. (For those unaware, most women's breast are not symmetrical.)

After all of this, I get back to work after having finished my lunch and I’m exhausted.  I want to take a nap, but before the tiredness sank in, I took 3 ibuprofen because of the most horrid pain that coursed through me.  They didn’t really warn me about how bad that would feel.  Everyone is different, but man it hurt all the way to the other side, where they didn’t even go. My plan was to go right to bed after I hugged my baby and my fiancé, because I can’t let myself think about all the bad possibilities that might come out of this. Not today at least. And of course I still need to wait for the results. I'm hoping I end this story with good news.

Girls' Trip - The End

Sarah gasped to catch her breath after being jerked backwards by the hair. She instinctively reached up to rub at the wounded area, but winced when the barrel of the gun pushed into the side of her head.

“Now, everyone why don’t we all sit down and have a little conversation about what is going to happen next. First of all—, “ his head whipped in the direction of the sound of the back door being opened. The eyes of all four women filled with the hope of being rescued.

“Hey, did I miss anything?” Another man sauntered in with a glimmer of excitement in his eyes that instantly caused a wave of nausea to pass over Sarah.

“Did you get everything?” The man with the gun spoke.  Both of the men ignored the women and the hope that disappeared from their faces.

“Yep, and I finished moving their cars just like T asked, I think we're all set. It'll take awhile before anything is found.”

“Great! So -- where were we--"

“What do you want? You can have all of our money and we won’t tell anyone,” Dot interrupted. The man with the gun looked at each woman carefully. He eyes roamed over Dot, Melinda, and Sarah.  After staring directly into Terry’s eyes, he nodded to the newcomer. 

A loud crack tore through the cabin and all four women jumped as the newcomer immediately pulled his arm back and struck Dot across the face. 

Dot, fell over, grunting. She pushed her self up sobbing quietly and gently cradled her cheek in her hand. A small river of blood began to run from the side of her mouth.

“Now, where was I?” Once more, Sarah noticed the man with the gun look at Terry, and this time he smirked. 

Terry said she thought she might have known him. 

Sarah suspected they did in fact know each other, and what was going on now, was why she fled the bar. 

Did they date? Did he stalk her? For how long did she know him? Is he going to punish her by killing all of us? Or worse? What happened between them that led to this? He's probably just nuts, like those characters on Criminal Minds, or real life psychos like on Forensic Files.

A loud sigh interrupted her thoughts. She looked right into his eyes. They didn't really reflect any emotion, perhaps annoyance or boredom, Sarah thought.

“You know, maybe I should just skip story telling time and we’ll get this party started,” He stood up and grabbed Terry roughly by the arm, yanking her behind him toward the other room. She limped in her attempt to follow him, her foot still bleeding. She whimpered and cried out.

As Melinda, Dot, and Sarah sobbed, begged, and reached out to help their friend, Terry also cried and begged to be turned loose. They pleas did not go ignored.

“Get it together! You’ll all have your turn,” the newcomer oozed. He then produced a gun from the back of his pants.

Sarah knew that her and her three friends were in the biggest trouble they had ever been in all their lives. For the second time that evening, Sarah, Melinda, and Dot huddled close together, as the man with a gun, the stranger from the bar, dragged a slobbering, screaming Terry to the middle bedroom and the newcomer guarded them from escape.

After 20 minutes of silence from not only their room, but from the room where Terry was held, Melinda finally built up the nerve to speak.

“Who are these guys?” Melinda whispered. Dot fearfully looked at the newcomer waiting to see what would happen when Melinda spoke. He had no reaction.

“The guy I told you about earlier. It's the same guy from the bar.  Terry said she thought she knew him and then said it wasn’t him. Clearly it was, but why wouldn’t she tell us?”

“I don’t remember her ever mentioning this guy? Do you guys?” Dot added.

“No,” Melinda and Sarah spoke at the same time.

“Not before tonight, when we saw him at the bar." Sarah leaned in closer, "And who is this T person they mentioned? When will he get here?” 

“SHUT UP!” The newcomer shouted.

Sarah’s stomach swirled in fear and she wondered what was happening with Terry. Why hadn’t she screamed out this whole time? Was she dead?

They all looked up when the bedroom door creaked open slowly.  The newcomer turned his back to speak with the stranger from the bar. Sarah became jittery and watched them closely. As he inched closer to the other room, Sarah whispered, “I might try to run for help, it’s our only shot. If we have a shot.” The other two hesitantly nodded.

He took another step as the two men spoke in low voices. His body stood halfway in each room. She braced herself, her muscles tense.  One more step in and she knew she might have a shot, or they would.

The newcomer leaned an inch further into the room to look at something and Sarah pounced. She hit the door and barreled through it.  Screams from her friends chased after her, but she couldn’t determine if it was screams of pain or encouragement. Then one of the men yelled out “T!!!!!!!!!!” at the top of his lungs. That one could understand, he was calling for back up.

She didn’t want to stop to look around for the third mystery man, she had to get help. She flew down the porch steps and onto the black top sidewalk path that led back to the bar. She just needed to be faster than "T" and hopefully faster than anyone else that would try to hurt them.

She was only a mere 50 outside the cabin when she heard a snap in the darkness, like the branch of a tree. She slowed her run, her heart racing.

“Sarah!” A familiar female voice called out to her from the darkness. 

Now she merely walked quickly as she looked ahead of her, seeking out where the voice came from. Was that from the trees? She glanced to the left, but didn't see anything, at first.

Sarah’s eyes squinted, trying to see in the dark in the hopes of making out the figure that now presented itself to her.

“Terry, is that you? How did you ---" She stopped her approach to Terry and took one step back. “---get away?” Her voice drifted because she already had the answer. Based on the Terry's reply, her face must have given it away as well.

“Yeah, I know.” Terry emerged from the trees with a gun of her own, blocking Sarah's path to freedom.

Sarah's mouth fell open and her heart sank deep into her swirling stomach. She could think of nothing more to say, except to ask one question.

“Why Terry!?” a single tear rolled down her cheek. Sarah never flinched when the stranger from the bar snuck up behind her, wrapped both arms around her middle, arms included, and pulled her backward, slowly. She continued to look at the woman who used to be her friend, waiting for an answer.

“Why not? Now the party is a surprise party. Surprise!” Terry winked at her and threw her head back in laughter, as the stranger from the bar pulled her back to the cabin without any further fight from Sarah. 

The hope that had faded from her face an hour ago, now seeped out from every last pore in that moment, as she knew it would be her last.

Girls' Trip - A Party for One - Part VI

Her hurried steps forced the other two girls to pick up their pace. Sarah continued to check her phone and with each moment that passed with no further replies from Terry, the faster she walked. It was now completely dark and the music boomed behind them, but grew fainter with each step into the darkness, and the sound of the crickets became louder.

She rubbed her arms after shoving her phone in back pocket. It wasn’t cold, but the hair on her arms began to stand up. She finally saw their cabin at the far end of the beach as they approached the finally stretch of their walk. A faint glow of light peered into the night and pointed them in the right direction. She chewed her lip, nervously.

What should have brought her comfort did not. Sarah huffed and puffed and panted. Her legs moved swiftly. Dot and Melinda were calling her name from behind her trying to keep up. The sand seemed to tug at her feet, slowing her down. It felt as if tiny hands pulled at the sparkly sandals she wore, slowing her speed and sand filled the empty space between her feet and the sole of the shoe.

Her pace completely altered once more. Sarah walked but more slowly than before. Melinda and Dot caught up to her. Sarah lunged forward and teetered on her toes, arms flailing, trying to keep her balance when Dot literally bumped into her back due to her abrupt stop.

“Shhh!” she held a finger to her lips, unfazed by the near fall.  The other two looked at each other, confused.

“What are we listening for?” Melinda whispered. No response spilled forth, just Sarah tilting her head.

“You are freaking us out, Sarah! What are we listening for?”

“The crickets. They stopped. Isn’t that odd?” Her head pointed toward the back of the cabin, which faced the lake, yet her eyes glazed as if staring at nothing.

All three jumped. A blood-curdling scream broke into the night from the direction of their cabin. They clung to each other tightly and took a few steps back before deciding what to do next.

“Was that Terry?” Dot’s teethed chattered loudly. In the tight huddle they found themselves in their hearts thundered loudly on the verge of exploding from their chests.

“It’s us three against whoever is in there right? Let’s go!” Melinda said with faltered confidence, slightly edging ahead of the trio.

“NO!” Sarah grabbed her. “We should call the police! What if he has a gun? We can’t fight against a gun.”

They clutched at each other once more, as another scream pierced through the night air. This time the sound of breaking glassed followed.

“Screw this!” Melinda began to charge toward the cabin and Dot and Sarah followed with fear on their faces. 

The wind seemed to pick up the closer they came to the cabin. It sunk into their skin deep, into their bones. She stretched out her arm and wrapped her fingers around the handle of the door. As she pulled it towards herself, another shatter of glass exploded inside the cabin.

Melinda yanked the door open the rest of the way and flew into the cabin. The front screen door on the opposite side of the cabin, clattered shut and a shadow crossed in front of the light outside it.

Their eyes searched as they called her name.

Sarah tugged on Dot’s arm and nodded towards the floor. A dark red liquid spilled out everywhere in the kitchen, and Terry had yet to reply to their calls. Besides the pool on the floor, the same red mess, dripped down the counter top and over the side. It didn’t look like blood until their wide eyes followed the entire trail.

A broken glass sat on the counter, which struck Sarah as odd. It most likely broke on the floor, so why pick up the pieces after a struggle? The red liquid was lighter in color in the kitchen, but the three sets of eyes followed the line of red liquid into the next room toward the back door. Footprints were the culprit in creating the trail.  A darker red color that actually resembled blood led towards the front door that had just shut moments ago.

“Terry!” a hoarse shaky whisper escaped Sarah’s lips. Clutching to each other, while trying to side step “the blood”, they moved forward looking for their fourth friend.

They all three halted as the wooden steps outside the front door, creaked. All three women shared a chorus of shudders. The shadow returned and they took a step back for the second time that night.

“This was a mistake…we are all going to die!” Sarah whispered loudly.

The door flew open and a shared sigh released into the tiny log cabin, as all three women saw Terry with a small bag in her hand.

“Are you okay? Is that blood!?”

Terry furrowed her brow in confusion and follow the three pair of eyes down the front of her shirt.

“Oh no!” she began laughing.  “I was trying to make a bloody mary. It ended in disaster and I cut my foot, so..yeah, I guess there is some blood. I just went to the car to get my first aid kit.”

“Oh thank God!” Dot whispered under her breath. “Can we go back now?”

“You guys came back to check on me?” Terry paused and then an understanding suddenly registered on her face. “I forgot to call you. God, I’m so sorry!”

She sat on the bed to examine her foot near the beside lamp. As she picked out a tiny shard of glass with a tweezer from the kit, Sarah sat next to her on the bed. The other two were at the door she just walked through, looking out nervously.  They whispered back and forth about the car keys and leaving things behind.

“What’s going on?” Terry asked. Blood dripped from the fingers that held the tiny clear dagger.

“You didn’t, text me or call me?” Sarah asked as she simultaneously helped bandage her wounded friend’s foot.  Terry shook her head in response, and Sarah stood up, gently pulling Terry with her. Sarah looked over at Melinda and Dot. They both nodded at the same time and slowly opened the door again and began to push Terry toward the door.

However, before anyone could take one step over the threshold of the door, Sarah yelped. The rest stopped to look. A man had Sarah. He in fact, had a gun, and a hand in Sarah’s hair.

“The party’s just starting ladies.” The stranger from the bar said.