I go back and forth and I find myself panicking and then I'm fine. I'm back to panicking lately, as I mentioned in the previous post.
So many side eff....I'm getting ahead of myself as usual. So, let's start with Monday.
Monday, October 30th - This was the day that I went in for a MUGA test. It's a more detailed test of your heart. We could have done an echo, but again, not as comprehensive and thorough. So I left work to pick up my mom and we headed over to the hospital. It didn't take long to get called back to radiation, get an IV set in my arm, while they put radiation into a sample vile of my blood that she took. Then they sent me out to wait with my mom. Once the radiation was settled, they put my blood back into me and set me up in a more open version of an MRI.
It went quickly and flawlessly, and almost painlessly. Once again, I returned to the lobby while I waited to be called for a chest xray. That took all of five minutes. (This was actually scheduled for today, however, since I was there they said they could get me in quite easily) And then we were on our way home.
Tuesday, October 31st - Once more, I left work around the same time as Monday and again I picked up my mother and we headed back to the hospital. On this day, we had a chemotherapy class to attend. It turned out to be just my mom and me and a couple of the oncology nurses. I liked the privacy of it all. I was feeling a little insecure thinking other people would be there with me.
In a small conference room they had a slide show set up and booklets for both my mother and myself. We went through everything together and of course, chatty Kathy me, I asked questions throughout through the entire "seminar". Some I would needed to save for the Doctor and others they were able to answer.
Once again, the treatment I received upset my mom comparing what they didn't do for Jake, at another hospital. And I felt bad too. He could have benefited from a class like this and I'm appalled that they didn't offer him most of the services I'm being offered.
Wednesday, November 1st - Chemo port placement day...Ugh!
I instantly regret searching for pictures of these ports because some were gruesome and now all I can do is feel this thing in me. Shudder shudder shudder...the shuddering will likely never stop.
It went very similar to the day we went in for the lumpectomy, except we did not go to the breast center first. But the place we needed to go was under construction and it was still dark and confusing. It didn't take long before I was angry and upset and swearing. Leading up to this moment was the car ride with my fiance to my mom's. We had to drop of the darling daughter and pick up my mother. But in the car, I couldn't shake the feeling of doom and gloom, like something bad would happen during surgery.
I had the same feeling before the lumpectomy. I was scared. And I still am. We finally found the right entrance into the building and got all signed in. I went through all the same motions as last time, but this time I was able to have my mom and my fiance in the room with me. Last time, it was one at a time. Before anyone would be allowed in, the IV in my hand was to go in. I declined the numbing solution because it hurt so much during the last procedure. I should have taken it. The IVs in my inner elbow never hurt, but the hand...man oh man. Tears rolled down my cheeks and my toes curled and my legs kicked. And then the sobbing. Fear mixed with pain and I fell apart, taking the nurse with me. She immediately felt bad and talked about trying to do it again, but there is no way I wanted to that. "Just don't touch it" was all I said.
The surgery was over in 10 seconds...to my frame of my mind anyway. And once again I was sent on my way home, to rest. Easier said than done. I haven't had much sleep in quite a while.
Thursday, November 2nd - The second consultation with the oncology Doctor. This would be the day that the MUGA and chest Xray would be discussed and then I would be told (based on those tests) which treatments I could choose from. Luckily, both tests came back good. I was a little surprised on the heart, I haven't taken great care of it over many years. Lack of working out, smoking, enjoy high fattening foods, and etc. Not to mention the family genetics are not on speaking terms with the family. My dad's side has a very high propensity for heart disease and attacks.
Then, we went over the percentages one more time as far as the difference certain treatments would make and again went over side affects and medications that I would need to be taking at home.
So I chose the most aggressive form of chemo. Again...CLOSE THAT GAP! So I will begin chemo on Monday. I will do this every other week for 8 weeks. At the end of that time I will take a different chemo for 12 weeks, every week. And then finally, I will do radiation for 6 weeks, 5 days a week. After each chemo treatment I will need to get a shot the next day to help blood counts go back up as well. I have to be wary of infection, neuropathy, fevers, and so much more. I'm worried that I will miss something.
I'm also worried if the chemo treatments will hurt. They gave me a cream for the port so I wouldn't feel anything during the treatment, but I'm unsure how to put it on if I can't take the surgical tape or steri strips off for at least 7 to 10 days. I'm afraid to shower as well, but I'm sure everyone else is afraid of me NOT showering.
It's a lot of the unexpected. And the bright side, I can bring a friend to sit with me the 4 or 5 hours that the treatments take. I don't see that I will be given the same option my brother was given for the at home chemo treatment. That's fine, I feel more comfortable with the professionals close enough to shout to if there is a problem.
After all was said and done, I was to rest some more. But it should be no surprise by now, that still hasn't happened. I'm having a hard time sleeping. I picked up all of the meds that I will need to start next week and even things like press and seal saran wrap for the port. It's a lot of head swimming. The doctor also told me that I would possibly get chemo brain...not too dissimilar from pregnancy brain. However, I don't think my brain can take the hit. I didn't recover from pregnancy brain.
And hair loss will likely begin about 2 or 3 weeks after the chemo starts. I will definitely be taking it very easy all weekend. And likely start to panic on Sunday night.
You are brave and strong and resilient! I am sending you and your family all the positive energy I can. ❤️
ReplyDeleteHi Karen, Goldie here from BCO. You are going to be surprised at how good you will feel after your treatment. I had so much energy, I was almost in shock. Perhaps they gave me steroids, I don't know. They should give you a numbing cream, it's something like emla. Gob that on the port and then put the press and seal over it. You want to do this about an hour or so before chemo. It numbs the area, so you don't feel the needle going into the port. It's not to "help" with the chemo treatment itself.
ReplyDeleteThe neulasta shot can play with you as well. I got what I would call rubber legs. There are gals that have taken Claritin to help with that. I did not do the Claritin, didn't know about it, but ask your doctor first.
What was your brother being treated for, if I may ask?
Be strong sweetie, you can do this, you will see.
Huggles....Lori
Jake had a brain tumor when he was three years old. Right after I was born. Medullablastoma. With chemo and radiation and surgery (I believe) they got it all. However, he was never the same kid because of it. When he was 41, the radiation from the first cancer brought on a secondary cancer, myxofibrosarcoma. Only 12,000 people a year are diagnosed. 4000 die. There really is not a lot of research on this. I could barely find anything online. We should have realized it would have gone this way, but we didn't and the doctors wouldn't just tell us. Ugh! But enough of that. I'm going to pick up a wig today. After I check out that photo bucket! Thanks for all of the information!
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