Hurry Up and Wait is the Game...but For Now the Waiting Can Wait - Breast Cancer

Waiting…waiting…waiting. Everyday has been waiting…waiting…waiting. One of the first things people told me has been that the waiting would be the worst. They weren’t kidding. All of the things I’m learning. I’m discovering what so many women, or people in general, must have felt when they were diagnosed with any kind of cancer.

The panic.  Ever ache and pain creates an immense panic that I immediately try to tamp down because that could be counterproductive to my health, as well. My arm has hurt since before I found this lump, is this related or is this not? And, if it’s not, is this a whole new separate cancer?  My stomach has had shooting pains before I found the lump. After numerous blood tests and scans, they found nothing, not as far as the gall bladder was concerned anyhow. Same questions apply.

Waiting…waiting…waiting. Should we be waiting like this? If there is suspicion of this thing trying to move, wouldn’t we want to get started all the more sooner? I realize that there are women in worse shape than me and the urgent scheduling of appointments are most likely reserved for those women.  I understand. But I can’t help but to think selfishly and want to get in there and get this going.

There is talk about procedure and process.  First, you do this and then you do that. I get it, I’m not doctor, not even close.  If you don’t’ have to lose the breast, then why would you want to? I guess because I would hate to find out too late that we in fact cannot save the breast and because we didn’t take it right away, now it’s spread out of control. Once again, all of this is continuously rolling around in my head 24/7. I’m wondering if waiting a week for the consultation after the diagnosis will give this cancer too much time to grow. I would rather just have them both (my breasts) gone and get upgrades.

I have these wonderful moments, when I’m dreaming, and this isn’t my life. For a few minutes when I first wake up—before I open my eyes, I forget that this is my life.  There are other moments when I’m interacting with people and it’s easy to push it to the back of my mind, even though it’s still there.  And, there are other moments where I can’t stop thinking about it.

Before I get too far into the sad parts of all of this, one piece of good news came today. I decided to call the Doctor and check to see if there were any cancellations.  Indeed there were.  I am now going in tomorrow at 1:00 p.m., instead of waiting until Friday.  I will spend the evening compiling a list of questions. As if I haven’t been thinking of them this whole time though, right?