Surgery Up Next - Breast Cancer

It's been a long week. A tiring week.  Last night was the worst for me, to date. I'm not sure if it was the contrast of such a wonderful weekend, that led up to last night and caused reality to crash back down onto me. Or maybe, it's just the impending surgery and the fear that is slowly creeping into my heart.

I can't remember which day it was, but I had grown impatient waiting for the MRI results.  I called after a day of waiting and miraculously the surgeon called me back, without much delay. She didn't seem to have terribly bad news, but it also felt like no news. My impatience returned when I realized we didn't know much more than before. 

She did state that the lump was bigger than they suspected, but nothing "huge" and that there a prominent lymph node, but again, nothing too worrisome, other than the suspicion of it moving out of the ducts. The part that perplexed me was the next part where she said it was up to me if I do nothing, opt for a lumpectomy, or possibly more. I was at a loss for words.

How on earth was I to make this decision?  I'm not a doctor. And I'm too close to it to make the decision that is actually best for me. I hesitated and she picked up on it. She brought up the aspect of my hesitation as her reason for suggesting a lumpectomy.  I also told her that I wanted her advice.  Given the choice, it was too big. Too scary. 

We talked though it and decided on a lumpectomy this Wednesday. The closer it gets, the more scared I am. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm afraid of what "it's" going to look like afterwards, but I'm afraid of the injection of dye before the surgery and how much that will hurt. This doesn't mean I won't need a mastectomy or even a bi-lateral down the road.  It definitely doesn't mean I won't need chemo or radiation either.

With all this in my head, it really isn't taking long or much for people to piss me off or for me to see the insensitivity of some people. I want to let all of them have it, and some I kind of have, but then I get mad at myself because I back down. I even check with my wonderful fiance when I get mad.  "Am I nuts or is that totally mean and messed up that this person did this?" And he would honestly agree that it was and I have every right to be upset. So why, in the position I now find myself in, do I continue to let people push me around?

All I can do is try harder. Try to stand up for myself and if someone wants to turn it back on me and make me feel bad, they don't need to be in my life anymore. See...I'm still seething from this weekend. Maybe it's better than being sad and depressed. It's a very extreme reaction but I just don't want complicated right now. Everything else is so immensely complicated.