Round 3 Down, But Not Before Adding Fear to Round 4.

I woke up Wednesday morning with anxiety as I had on Monday, the originally scheduled appointment.  I was 6 appointments in and the anxiety about treatment as well as the despair about continued chemo were mounting. I cancelled Monday with elated joy as I realized my cold was still hanging on and I didn’t want to risk getting more sick from chemo with having a cold. I don’t know if it’s a real thing, but I didn’t want to chance it. (Okay, and I really didn’t want to go) My daughter was also sick.

I have been feeling down and depressed the last week and a half about so many things. Again, I hate to turn this blog into something sad and dark, but I think there are these moments for all of us. Some of us do well with treatment the majority of the time with bouts of sadness and some of them of us are doing poorly the majority of time with bouts of happy times. I think I’m somewhere in between, but I didn’t even realize how sad I was until this last week.

The first Taxol was awesome, or so I thought. I realized after the second round that the comparison of Red Devil to Taxol made the first Taxol seem awesome. The second round I started to feel the effects of the Taxol, itself. And for some reason I began to feel depressed.  I didn’t want to leave the house. I know I gained weight again. I feel like no matter what I do, I get nothing done. I worry about my finances and when I return to work. My eyebrows are slowly disappearing as are my eyelashes – and I still haven’t figured out how to do the fake lashes yet. I hate taking showers because I hate touching my body or seeing it at all, and I haven’t even had a mastectomy. Which makes me feel selfish for feeling so sorry for myself when I haven’t experienced the level to which others have. It makes me think of my brother and all that he went through.

I have dreams about him, followed by nightmares of my own fears of death. After conversations with my fiancé I have finally started scheduling my counseling appointments again. I forgot to schedule another one after the holidays. I just don’t know how to grieve the loss of Jake at all at this point because my own cancer came up so quickly after. It’s coming in bits and pieces. My 5 year old randomly cries about her uncle and she wants to give him a hug and a kiss. It breaks my heart.

Anyway, (tears wiped)…back to the appointment. I had my guest of honor all set up for Monday, my bestie Melissa, however, with my cancellation she lost the ability to go with me due to her work schedule. And I knew that was a possibility. Wednesday, I went alone. I had another new nurse that would be accessing my port for the first time, (meaning it was my first time having this particular nurse access my port, which always sends my hands into fits of the nervous sweats). Even with the numbing cream on my skin, it really hurt. And I have a mark now…that’s new.  Anyway, right away I thought, “Great! Next time I’m going to be so afraid of this part.” Quite honestly, I’m always afraid of this part, but now it’s going to be so much worse knowing that it truly can hurt. Tears ran down my cheeks as I knew in that moment that the remaining treatments would bring with it increased anxiety and it was not likely to dissipate.

As I mentioned before there was a mark on my skin. I thought, perhaps it was seeing what was being inserted into the port for the first time ever.  I always squeeze my eyes shut tight to NEVER see and I try to avoid looking at all of the medical equipment laid out in front of them. This time I looked, for some insane reason, and it was in my head. Surely, I freaked myself out.  However, two days later there is a lump and a mark.  A sure sign that something wasn’t done right.  The last time the nurse did an awesome job, and I didn’t feel a thing. I guess I’m paying my dues on that one.

Taxol #2 - Will food taste like crap forever, and why can't I stop eating it if it does?

Round 2.  I had a completely written post, ready to go and publish and then I realized, man it was depressing. I can express all that I’m feeling in a different more entertaining way, but how?

The side effects of Taxol are becoming more obvious now that I’m getting further away from the tough stuff. The biggest thing is still the taste buds. So many foods that I loved that I either no longer love or taste completely weird. I tried a screw driver the other day. Liquor doesn’t really do too much for me these days, but every so often I have to try one…you know, just to see. And it was bland and weird. My bestie told me that she too found that the orange juice tasted strange. Whew. Not just me. So I tried a greyhound. Grapefruit juice strong enough to make any mouth pucker and strong enough for me to taste it? Yep, taste it I certainly did.  It had a hint of grapefruit, a hint of vodka, and a hint of … tuna!!?? Well that isn’t right and most likely isn’t the juice, but my taste buds.

So I give up on enjoying most foods without pouring three pounds of salt on it. On the bright side, dry mouth isn’t as bad. And another bright side with the weird taste buds, I’m having to drink more water again.  Water had fallen to the wayside because I was feeling good and now that I’m not feeling great again, I want the water. It's for the best, I more than need the water.

That is one side effect. The other new thing since being on Taxol is I can’t wear a hat to bed. I’ve been avoiding going bald to bed because of my own insecurities, but apparently the night sweats are happening. Don’t panic, readers. It’s only on my head and only when I wear my hat. Most likely it’s chemopause. (And the nurse's aren't worried yet) I wake up with my hat drenched. Not a lovely look. So I gave up on wearing those to bed and Kevin's fiance is officially bald to him.

For those that are unsure chemopause is like menopause. Happens during chemo and can lead to knocking me into menopause. Which I’m hoping doesn’t happen, but given that I still have 10 weeks left of Taxol, I don’t have high hopes.

And the last side effect to write about is eyebrows.  As in bye bye eyebrows.  I haven’t even learned how to draw them on yet…gulp! I’m sure I can find some youtube videos to help train me. There is still some left, but each shower, they are less and less.

But in all seriousness, I miss my old life before all of this. It's been since September when this all began and I'm just so sick of it all, but I guess I should really be grateful and not complain. And yet I can't help but miss my ignorance...shit if I'm asking for things I think I'd like to go back before Jake got sick and have him still be here too...but then I would ask for dad too... Boo! 

I guess I miss the boring, mundane life of work and home. Not worrying about bills, other than the normal pay check to pay check.  And maybe from time to time going to the doctor for a check up, but having everything be fine. I guess it won't be like that again for a long time. 

So in the meantime, I'll sport some new hair and paint on some eyebrows. And in the near future, I imagine I will try to master the art of fake eyebrows. 

Taxol: I think I got this...

It has been a crazy week since my first treatment of Taxol and I have 11 more weeks of this to go. I brought my mother to this round as my support system since this one fell on a Tuesday and not Kevin's day off.

We arrived on time and everything went the way it usually goes, though the waiting was a bit longer. It was the day after New Years, so they had two days of patients. I was placed (at first) in the most exposed seat in the fusion room, which I was not a fan of, and there was no table for my computer. Life’s problems, right?

I right away started to feel sick and they had literally given me nothing, not even a saline drip. I was moments away from throwing up when she had (during this time) given me Benadryl. This made me so drowsy the nausea faded. I realized that most likely all the horrendous experiences with the red devil were messing with my head and showing up in a very, real, physical reaction.

Actually, before they had even taken me back I was handed my lunch menu and that made me sick. The memories of the lunches eaten before in the fusion room caused my stomach to swirl and head to spin in disgust, even if the food is quite good. And, honestly, it is good but the association to the treatment is more than my brain can bear.

Once I felt better the food came within moments, and the treatment went faster than the previous. If it weren’t for the delays, we may have gotten out of their earlier. Not a complaint, just a reality of the new chemo not taking as long as the first more aggressive treatment.

My ray of sunshine, I didn’t need to have the nulasta pack. Man I gagged just a little at the thought of that. 

It was a huge relief. I would rather do weekly treatments then have to go through that again. I felt nauseated every time the pack would kick on 27 hours after it was placed on my stomach. Once it kicked on it would inject medicine for 45 minutes. Vomit. I didn’t need the steroids anymore either. I had hoped that they were the cause of my heartburn, but turns out I still need to take that Prilosec.

I do forget to take my vitamins now that I have less other medications to take. And I just remembered I didn’t take it today either…oh boy. I also have been waning on the water intake. When you don’t feel as bad you forget, but I’m not so foolish to think that I will feel this good next time as the Red Devil was different each time as well.

With less meds, I hoped for less side effects and true they are less, however, there are some new ones as well. My eyebrows are disappearing.  My head is sweating profusely at night, so I can’t wear the hats like I like to when I sleep. I hear that it’s normal, but it scares me a little as I know cancer causes night sweats. But would I just sweat in one place? A question for the doctor tomorrow or nurse. I only see the doctor once every three weeks now, unless requested.

Oh, wait, there is more. I have extra dry feet and weird discolorations on my fingers and toes (though that kind of started with the Red Devil). It’s super cute. Plus, I feel like I have aged so much. And still, no weight loss. I want to be upset about the lack of weight loss, but (and I may have said this before) this could be the reason I have staved off sickness and/or infections. Maintaining, if not gaining, a glorious overweight weight.

Then the rest of the week I had so many worries. Combatting with how I feel with worrying about my forgetfulness and paying the bills. Let me tell you, chemo brain is a real thing. I have made more mistakes with my bills when on the Red Devil then I realized, and I feel like I’m coming out of that fog and trying to play catch up. I sit here trying to be sure there is nothing we are forgetting. The house is also falling behind in cleaning as Kevin is only one man.

And there is the paperwork in relationship to the treatments to fill out that required a trip to the post office. By 500 pm I’m ready for bed and I’m oversleeping. This week has been quite the opposite in some ways. No insomnia, that’s for sure. Staying awake is the problem.

And the one errand I ran this week that meant more to me than I could do justice with words was a visit to a friend of a friend. I was bestowed two wigs by this woman who she, herself, is battling cancer. However, she isn’t battling like me, she is foregoing her treatment and donating her vast collection of wigs that she never had the chance to use. She felt awesome helping me and I’m eternally grateful to have more options in hair ware. The shorter wigs are much better for more daily wear as the long ones don’t last as long if worn daily. The long one will be for special occasions.

Spending time with this wonderful woman and seeing her strength and spirit makes me realize how lucky I am at this point. I know things could change. I could be in the clear and then not. Or I could live to be 101, but I can only aspire to be as strong and generous as this woman is. I thank her. It seems small, but it really isn’t. She is one of so many women and men and sadly children facing a death sentence and still living her life. Still helping others with the time she has left. It’s incredible. She is incredible.

Another early morning appointment/day tomorrow. My lovely little brother joined me and Melina today for my cousin’s 4-year old’s birthday party, however, the little brother and Melina both have school.  Kevin and I will be dropping them off early in the morning before the next round of chemo. I should be getting my hiney to bed, but I realized I’m about to run into another post. Oops. Told you this week was a little nutty.