A Day in The Life of Taxol. Four Left To Go.

Tossing and turning all night long has exhausted me daily. I dream, then wake as my cheeks become engulfed in flames and it slowly spreads to the top of my head. A strange cool feeling hits my head as tiny pin prick beads of sweat burst forth from every hair follicle. I touch my head to see if I’m sweating. Sometimes I am, sometimes, I’m simply hot. I fan furiously with one hand and feel instant relief. However, the moment my hand stops, the heat hits me in full force. I can only wait it out and tear the blankets off. In a few minutes I’m freezing. It’s a nightly battle.

During the day I’m treated to the same experience, but it seems less often. My hat often finds itself left on a counter while I’m at home because I’m only moments away from tearing it off.

When the sun comes up or when I’m ready to drag my tired body out of bed, I step carefully. My feet are half asleep and half in pain. This seems to be worse with each treatment, but not bad enough to slow the treatments down..yet.  HOT FLASH!

On this morning, I needed to hop in the shower and try to get my baby brother and little girl moving. They both had school. I felt nervous. All day Sunday I could barely move off the couch. This latest round of Taxol seemed to mimic the Red Devil. This past week or two I have also needed assistance in opening a can of pop or pushing a heart burn pill out of the bubble packaging, since my fingernails are so painful. Initially, I thought it was the nail polish I had on, but now I realize this is the neuropathy rearing it's ugly head.

I began to feel more awake as the shower progress, but also like I could crawl back in bed. However, once out of the shower I was now completely awake. And yet, neither the 15 year old nor the 5 year old had moved an inch. Seriously?

We finally got moving, even with flu like aches and pains and this bloated ugly feeling. I pulled into my brother’s school parking lot and caught a glimpse of my eyebrows in the rear view mirror. They are almost gone and the bags under my eyes look even bigger. Perhaps because half of my eyelashes are gone they appear larger? I sped away to the Caribou to get an additional boost before going to my mom’s. My daughter starts school later than her uncle, so we eat breakfast there before she gets dropped off.

While she is at school I always have high expectations of doing this, writing. Or getting paperwork filled out, responding to emails, or any number of things I should get done, and I usually end up talking with my mother and not accomplishing much in the 2.5. hours she is gone. Or I have a doctor appointment during this time. This day was no different. Not feeling well, I decided to just sit there and talk while I waited for my little girl to be done with school.

Once she is loaded back into the car, we head back home and I can’t wait to just lay down. If I stand for too long I feel the color drain from my face. I don’t feel nauseated, but more like if I don’t sit back or lay down, I will end up sitting or laying down without my consent. My wonderful fiancé dresses up our kiddo in her snow pants and boots and coat and allows me to rest while they go sledding for an hour. She returns sweaty and red cheeked bringing me back to my own sledding days. Even the smell of her sweat from out door play is sweet to me.

Finally, after three days of feeling less than human, I start to feel the side effects from last week wane. I'm not feeling so well that I would dare touch a glass of liquor right now, but I can maybe make my own dinner tonight. I can drink something without pain emanating from my teeth when the cold liquid touches them. I can be less careful about grabbing things without worrying if I tore a nail off because they are no longer as painful and do not feel as fragile, though they likely are very fragile.

I will not be escaping the sweats though. One curious thing seems to be happening that I just noticed today, it looks as though my hair on the top of my head is growing, somewhat? Immediately I googled this oddity as I feared it meant that the chemo may not be working, or the cancer is stronger than the medicine. I felt relieved as I read others had encountered this same thing on Taxol. I know everyone reacts differently, even to different chemos, but it seemed like an odd thing to happen when my eyebrows are still coming out.

I do reflect on one positive from the last few days. I have been way too busy feeling cruddy to allow the news to stress me out. I review my phone less in those moments. Log in less to facebook, turn the tv on less to the news stations. 

It is exhausting sitting up, grabbing a remote, and turning the channel. I simply can't be bothered with that. This may be something I begin doing regardless of how I feel just to keep my sanity and my blood pressure at a normal rate.

5 Treatments of Taxol and Counting

I need to focus on writing about my cancer treatments, but lately social media has my blood pressure on the rise. I open up my Facebook account and I immediately begin firing off words in response to shared memes or articles. I’m also not so foolish to believe it’s not the same response or feelings on both sides. Neither of us listening to each other, just wanting to be heard, believing we are right.

Don’t get me wrong, I still won’t be convinced that an AR-15 is a necessary civilian weapon or that food boxes should be a thing for SNAP, but I do know that other people for one reason or another do believe it. And no matter what I say or how I feel, I will not change their feelings on the matter, nor will they change mine. With that in mind, I need to breathe and not allow myself to get worked up about the things I cannot change.

So I digress and return to the current state of my affairs and treatments. Besides avoiding social media unsuccessfully, so that my blood pressure doesn’t sky rocket, I have many other symptoms rearing their ugly heads each week. Some are repeat visitors and sometimes there are new ones, and sometimes there are sporadic returns of other side effects. Now I'm focused on things I can change...oh wait...I can't control any of these things either. Sure I can make them easier to deal with. Some of them anyway, but overall I'm completely out of the control.

My feet feel fuzzy and numb. My finger nails are misshaped and are extremely tender for a day or two.  After that then they just become mildly tender. Both stem from the neuropathy, which they are closely monitoring as I count down the chemo treatments. My teeth hurt, even though I brush and floss every day. My head aches from day to day as will my body on certain days. My ankles feel swollen and hurt too. Not to mention my constant hot to cold flashes at night. It’s miserable. There is a soreness creeps out from the inner right arm and runs down to my thumb and hand. Sometimes I wonder if I’m dehydrated, but I don’t believe that is it. I believe it’s in relation to the lumpectomy (from what I’ve read) and it will likely spring up from time to time for a while.

I begin to feel guilty on these days as I feel I neglect my family. I neglect my chores and paperwork and my book writing. All the other symptoms have stayed the same for the most part or increased.  Whatever you call this wonderful life of poison. But I do it with a purpose, so I won’t give up. 😉 

Today is a day where my lovely child will spend one more day with her father and we can get some more things, done, but it’s not a great day for me physically and I don’t know that I will move around much once again.

The treatment this week was also the same old same old, as I mentioned previously. Initially, I panicked as it appeared that the nurse who had hurt me with the port access last time, would be the one doing it again this week, but luckily she read my apprehension and got a different nurse to do it. It was once again pain free. Whew!

I went solo again to the appointment as well, and played on the computer while they administered the medicine. I once again fought off the urge to pass out under the influence of the Benadryl. I just refuse to rest while I’m there. I like to drink my coffee or tea and type away or watch Netflix.

HOT FLASH!!!! It’s awful. I pull my hat off and it feels like instant relief.

I have 5 weeks or 5 treatments left before the radiation starts. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to feel normal. I know I will be worried for the next four years or so that this will return, but I can’t wait to not need heart burn meds, or for food to taste normal, or for hair to grow back. I can’t wait (sadly) to have a cocktail and not have it make me feel yucky instantly. I am grateful that I have just a few appointments left of this. I am grateful that these appointments are designed to give me the best odds of survival. Now I just need to take part and start doing things to help the medicine. You know, like take better care of myself.

Seriously, another hot flash? Ugh!  It's every 30 minutes.

Can't control opinion...here it comes...watch out...disagreements to ensue.

I had a same old same old day at treatment Thursday and what feels like a same old same old news day, that shouldn’t have been that kind of day. 

I try to keep it a little on the down low on my blog regarding “politics” (even though this shouldn’t be a political issue happening right now) I can’t seem to wrap my head around the arguments I’m hearing on social media. How so many people untouched by these shootings convincing themselves that gun control wouldn’t change anything, without even trying anything is mind boggling.

I've seen memes shared that actually are stating false facts about American states with tighter gun control restrictions. One saying that all of the states with tighter restrictions have the worst gun violence, after just seeing an expert on the news state the exact opposite. The meme shares no factual data to back their claims, but others will see this and likely too many people will believe this to be true. It's disheartening, especially after learning what Russia was able to do with similar social media posts and the candidates. We learn nothing and continue to let false information and propaganda and fear drive our decisions. Not to mention that bottom line, the more guns that are out in the hands of people, the more gun violence you will have. It's not to say that those same states with stricter gun laws, don't somehow still have higher violence in general, but not gun driven. And for me personally, I think I have less of a chance surviving a bullet than someone coming at me with a knife. Most likely you have at least a running chance of getting away from a knife, bat, stick...whatever, unlike a bullet which is hard to run from.

We are telling people to not blame inanimate objects and how ridiculous it is do so, but while saying these things, they are treating guns, not as inanimate objects but rather giving them life of their own with statements such as "Don't blame the gun" and "It's not the gun's fault" Odd statements for something that has no feelings nor cares if you blame it. Especially because we immediately seem to blame a pit bull for attacking a person, but the owner is rarely punished. But it's apples and oranges. Another meme shared similar comparisons that didn't hold water for me either. "We don't blame the car in a DUI". While this is true, a driver isn't getting into a car drunk and saying, "hey I think I'll kill a bunch of people tonight." Though they inherently know the risk, it's not an intention to hurt people, which is the direct opposite of what the shooter was looking to accomplish in Florida. Then there is the "we don't blame the bomb in a bombing", but most people aren't trying to fight for their right to own a bomb and generally the bomb is destroyed in the bombing...and you can't go out and buy a bomb, you are making them in secret...so failed arguments and logic.

People are saying that the few bad apples shouldn't affect the vast majority of law abiding gun owners. These would be the same people who think that the few scammers of welfare should affect all welfare recipients, even ones that deserve it and need it. And scammers of welfare aren't killing people, so this troubles me too that we are so hypocritical.

Another statement I've read is people thinking that teachers should be armed and trained. I feel we would have far less competent teachers because being armed and trained to fight isn't a natural born teachers calling from my perspective. Otherwise they would be SWAT, Defense, Military, police and etc. Teaching our children is their calling. We would have a completely different type of teacher. This would also cost money, something our administration is trying to cut from public education and give it rather to the private school institutions. Please tell me how that works. It's ridiculous to make that part of the job description instead of simply making people do more to get a gun than is required to have a driver's license. To conceal and carry in my state, you need to take a test. However, if you don't want to conceal but just have one, then you don't need to take a test, but rather just wait a few days on the background check. This is to counter the argument that you would in fact have to take a test and gun safety classes to own a gun. From all my research in the state that I live, it's only for a conceal and carry permit. There are some states though, that do require the testing, but again, I'm not 100% on every state and if that is for (like here) just the conceal and carry.

Speaking of my state, it seems really ridiculously simple to fill out the initial application and the weird statement that you must be 21 for a hand gun, but 18 for a semi automatic. I'm not even sure I get that!? The gun most popular in general (which has the least necessary use among civilians) and most popular in mass shootings, is the gun we here in Minnesota think people should be able to buy at the younger age? Interesting. (Keep in mind this is the application for the permit, but cut and pasted directly from their own website)

Fill out a Minnesota Uniform Firearm Application/Receipt Permit to Purchase/Transfer. Submit the application to your local police chief, or if your municipality does not have a police department, to your county's sheriff. The law enforcement agency will conduct a series of background-related checks to assure you meet eligibility requirements established in state law.

Once those checks are complete, a one-year permit to purchase a handgun in Minnesota will be issued. If you are applying for a permit to transfer the law enforcement agency must notify you of its status within seven days of receipt.

Option 2

If you want to make a one-time purchase of a handgun from a dealer and you do not have a permit to purchase, you may apply directly at the gun shop where you will purchase the handgun. The gun shop will require you to complete a consent form that allows them to conduct a name and date-of-birth background check to determine your eligibility to purchase a gun. However, some businesses may choose to follow other business practices. The gun shops are entitled to charge a fee for this service.

Please read the following restrictions carefully. They apply to the possession of firearms, to purchase/transfer permits, and reports of transfer for handguns and semiautomatic military-style assault weapons. Individuals with restrictions shall not be entitled to possess a pistol or any other firearm. The legal basis for the restrictions may be found in federal law (18 United States Code § 922) or Minnesota law (Minnesota Statutes, §§ 253B.02, 624.712, 624.713. 624.7131 or 624.714). I understand the following:

• I must be at least 21 years old to purchase a handgun or handgun ammunition from a federally licensed dealer. 
• I must be at least 18 years old to purchase a semi-automatic assault rifle.

There are many more restrictions around criminal aspects of restrictions, but I'm confused by this differing in age.

I wonder why people feel that their right to have an AR-15 supersedes the rights of children to not be shot and killed in school. I won't be convinced that this particular gone is necessary for anyone to have. Do I know people that have them? Yep. Do I think they are going to hurt people? Nope. But will they have pretty much any other gun at their disposal? Yes. So again, why are we so steadfastly clinging to the need to have this particular gun. I read an interesting article that really put it into perspective. It's popular. It's what the professionals use. And that is how many people make their purchasing decisions with anything and everything. They want to have what everyone else has. If a basketball player has a new tennis shoe, all the kids want that tennis shoe. Will they be a great ball player too, probably not, but boy the feel closer to that ball player. 

Another post I saw recently basically insinuated that if you were for gun control at all then you were a gun hater or gun owner hater. Very short sighted and unequivocally untrue. I get it. I've gone hunting, I've shot guns. It is fun, but I can always live without an AR-15 and so could the victims of the crazed killer who got his hands on one and four or so other weapons in the year leading up to this. Does he need mental healthcare? I can assume he does. Hard to get that with our administration and it's supporters wanting to remove health care from those dang poor people sucking up our tax dollars, so now what? Should the FBI have caught the tip they received and done something about it? Absolutely. It's tragic that they didn't, but they are not the only one to blame in this equation. They missed it, we didn't help treat him, we didn't restrict his access to his guns, he found encouragement on websites on how to make his gun more deadly (not that he used it thank God), and we continue to publish his name and give him the fame he most likely desires. We are still moving this cycle in the same direction and no one wants to change one damn thing. It's always just talk and rhetoric and then the next shooting happens and it's the same bs discussion. Though the wonderful kids of this most recent shooting are speaking up this time and I'm so impressed and learning so much from them. 

Will tightening laws stop people from getting guns illegally? Of course not, but will it stop some of these shootings? Yes. And isn’t something better than nothing?  I admit, I’m not well versed in the complete or even semi complete knowledge of guns. But I still see no legitimate need for these weapons. The arguments keep coming back with no explanation other than they don’t believe it changes or will change anything. These stricter states aren't strict enough in my opinion. What about gun laws scare people? What if we actually made people take a mental health test as well as gun safety and a test on their knowledge of guns while waiting for the background check? What if it took more than a conviction to send up a flag? What if you had 3-5 domestic assault calls but (as tends to happen in domestic assault) chargers aren't filed. Shouldn't that be enough to say, um no, you don't need a gun or we need more in depth background check.

I do not think that all guns should be banned, but I think simply doing nothing to stop these shootings is not the answer. Not at least discussing gun reform (whether we get it or not) is definitely not the answer.  And though the gun isn’t the only thing to stop it is one of the things to stop and I will not stop believing that.  

There is yet one more and the most famous argument that I used to say myself 10 years ago. The guns don’t kill people statement, which is overused and really historically wrong. They are deliberately used to kill people. They are accidentally used to kill people. But most importantly they were designed to kill people. The entire reason for their creation and invention is exactly how they are being used, so how do we separate that? We started with rocks, then rocks on sticks and etc...until we landed here with guns. All these things used in a fight, a fight to win. They were later used for sporting reasons, but down the road.

Again, it appears that it isn’t necessary, other than they don’t want their cool toy taken away.

It wasn’t designed to protect for a military take over as some would suggest. That again was an after thought, after guns had already been invented. The AR-15 itself was something designed for the military, but somehow landed in the hands of the general public. as it wasn't fully automatic. 

Are those speaking out against gun control be right thought? Can it be a slippery slope where gun owners fear that all of their guns will be taken away? Some on social media have told me that it’s impossible to even recall the “millions” (scary) of AR-15s out there, so what are they worried about? Not to mention, the AR-15 is so easily changeable, when we did attempt to ban them, those changes were made (thanks loophole) and now they are back on the shelves. I think as hard as it is just to get one type of gun out of circulation in this country, those currently worried about losing all of their guns have nothing to worry about in their lifetime.

Taxol: Six of Them Left...

UPDATE: They said yesterday was six, but I only count 5. I will need to resolve this...

Sleeping has been my thing as of late, and when I’m not sleeping, I’m filling out paperwork or trying to keep up with the 5 year old. There is nothing like finding the energy to start doing the dishes and this when she wants me to help with her something. Seriously, for over an hour, nothing, and then I move or someone calls and she needs all of my focus. It's a wonder I get anything done with this not so tiny dictator in my home. Thank God for preschool or I think we would both be sick of each other by now. Okay, she adores me and I her, but some days...

Last week I went to treatment with my little brother. He is so cute.  (Don’t tell him I said that) We didn’t talk too much as we were both buried in our electronics we brought. I was bent over my laptop as the nurse tried to administer treatment. The cord kept getting in my way while I tried to type. But in my defense, I had to act quickly before she brought out the Benedryl. It's not long after this medication and I'm drooling and seeing 10 fingers...on one hand. 

Kellen, not noticing any of this as watched Netflix on IPAD. Whether we spoke or not it was nicer having someone with me than going it alone.

I hadn’t noticed neuropathy until this past week. My feet had become this weird fuzzy numbness on top of the dryness. I could only assume it was this neur..op..athy...the doctors spoke of. 

Now I have to be on the watch for this and whether or not it gets worse. I’m hoping with only 6 weeks left of chemo before the daily radiation begins that it won’t become too terrible. It can become permanent and I don’t want that to happen. I tend to not remember or notice things like this too much. I’m a big baby about needles, but yet I don’t react to other pain in the way that I should.

After celebrating, the kid brother’s birthday later that evening with a game of Pandemic (that is after we forced him off his laptop where he did nothing but talk to his friends online) I brought him home in the morning. It’s always lovely visiting with him. (sarcasm)

Next, I finally got back in to see my counselor, which they offer you with cancer treatment. It went well, but as is typical of me, I’m all over the place on topics in a short hour. It will be hard or I’ll need a lot of appointments just to nail down one topic. 

So many things stressing me out, not to mention our current POTUS, but I won’t get into that too much (if I can stop myself, which I probably won't be able to) as I know that it’s a very sensitive issue. I do get into it on my Facebook with posts here and there.  And I do delete posts that I don’t agree with, but I see that arguing with people almost seems fruitless. We only see what we want to see and we can’t see what we don’t understand or won't try to open our minds to understand. Yep just went off on a topic, I'll save that for another post I think. (Delete, delete, delete, delete)

So moving along, it was good to get things off of my chest. From my brother’s passing, who I have yet to deal with that, to financial issues, to wedding stress, to people that have aggravated me recently due to their lack of compassion for others, to cancer treatment, to just normal day to day. There is a heavy weight on me all of the time.  So this has likely contributed to me not updating my blog longer than usual. My heart simply hasn't been in writing. But hopefully that is changing now.

On another note, my daughter will be going with her dad this weekend. My wonderful fiancé and I will get some time to ourselves for the first time in awhile. It should be very stress relieving and relaxing. I think we will maybe go somewhere like a movie and play some board games, with out the tot taking the tiny pieces. She likes tiny objects.

Finally, today I went to another treatment, sans companion this time. And this round, along with the last, the port access was painless…thank the Lord. Another stressor, as I have mentioned previously.

I had my original Nurse again and the one I met recently. They are both such wonderful women. Quite frankly, they all are so wonderful. Doing what they do, makes me want to cry. To see what they see everyday (like most nurses), but dealing with life and death like they do and having such resolve to stay positive and happy for our benefits and making this process so much easier than it would otherwise be. I can’t thank them enough.

I had a later appointment this time, so no lunch menu, but that’s fine. It’s so flavorless for me. I remember enjoying the food so much more after having my daughter there, so I know it’s not horrible food. It’s not a five star restaurant, but no worse than cafeteria food in school. That’s just my opinion though.

Well I need more coffee and I have to finish getting Melina's bags ready for school and her dads, since insomnia and the head sweats have reared their ugly heads... It's totally sexy to be sweating from the bald head. Blah!