I think I'm driving myself insane as I learn how to navigate the blog realm, so that it's easy for you, the reader, to not only read, but also find past posts that may interest you and to leave comments as well, as I most certainly want to hear from you.
Any feedback (be nice now) that you could give me on your experience is greatly appreciated and I will learn how to implement as much as I can. (If I figure it out. ha ha ha ha).
Friday, December 29, 2017
Thursday, December 28, 2017
My Journey with the Red Devil Comes to an End
Reflecting on my journey so far, I feel my body decided to experience every possible side effect of the Red Devil Chemotherapy. My Doctor says I shouldn't call it that, The Red Devil, believing that mentally I'm making the side effects worse. I disagree. They are bad enough on their own. And it's not only the chemotherapy side effects, it's the medications to counter some of the side effects of the chemotherapy that I'm combatting as well. Oy vey.
ARM SORENESS:
This pain comes from either the original biopsy or the lumpectomy, but comes back here and there (still) as a strange tenderness that starts at the elbow and radiates all the way down to my hand. It's a lovely pain that I have figured out dissipates some if I inhale three gallons of water.
DRY MOUTH:
Not even sure what is causing this. It's not a listed side effect of either chemos I'm doing, so either it's the steroids or it's the anti nausea meds. How do I describe this one? At night, my tongue will become stuck to the roof of my mouth and probably resembles the texture of a cat's tongue. Oh and it feels like I licked a sandbox. Even after 4 -5 glasses of water, it's a chalky horridness that won't go away (other than using the lovely mints given to me by a friend. Thank you!). This particular side effect was the worst during the last round and nothing has sounded good to eat for days. But of course, I haven't lost a single pound. What a waste of a lack of appetite.
HEARTBURN:
Well you all know how that went...not great. This again, must be a side effect of medication as I didn't see it on the list of chemo side effects. The first round brought me to the hospital since I had this radiating chest pain where I thought the creature from Alien was about to burst forth from my chest at any moment. The second round welcomed the evil fire creature from Moana, Te Ka. Fire and lava reaching out from the pit of my stomach all the way up to my throat, leaving what felt like a welt every time I tried to swallow. We finally figured out how to keep that at bay, but coffee tastes like ass and it's always there, waiting in the wings for it's encore.
NAUSEA:
I'm happy to announce that, thus far, I have NOT thrown up, but I have had nausea. I wasn't the best at administering the anti nausea meds (but I think another side effect played into that). Anyway, it began with a nausea reminiscent to when I was pregnant. This constant gross feeling that I felt would almost be improved if I did throw up. During the first round I came close and they continuously adjusted my medications to combat these feelings. I still feel some level of it and thinking about any part of my hospital visits or certain foods will bring it about immediately. Even now. Luckily it starts to fade as I get closer to the next visit. Is that luck...or irony?
CONSTIPATION:
This is kind of like saying Voldemort in my house...for the Harry Potter fans.
NEUROPATHY:
I didn't even realize that this was what I was feeling until after the third round. The second round, almost when I was about to get the third, it came on like I was developing calluses on my feet. At one point I kept feeling like I had stepped on something that stuck to my foot. Like a bit of dirt or food and I tried to brush it off and nothing was there. It drove me crazy for about 10 minutes. So that is when I began to wonder if that feeling was neuropathy. That "numbness" which isn't really numbness and "tingling" that didn't really tingle. For me it was a callusy feeling on my feet, and on my fingers it felt like a tightening of the skin around the nails. Well now I know. It never lasts for more than a day (Knock on Wood). I do hear it's worse with Taxol though and I'm about to start that next week. I'm so over this shit.
HAIR LOSS:
But of course. There were a few out there that tried to give me hope and state that they knew those that had no hair loss with the chemotherapy. That was not the case for me and the doctors didn't really give me the idea that it would be the case. Once my hair began to fall out I decided to cut it (as I shared earlier) I buzzed it as short as possible without shaving (skin is also very sensitive) and within a week or two the rest of my hair fell out completely into my hats and during my showers. It made me wonder if I shouldn't have just waited for it to fall out without cutting it at all, as the tiny pointy hairs that fell out were super itchy. From the front I have a wonderfully shaped head. It works. From the back, I have fat man's head. It doesn't work. Hats it is.
INSOMNIA:
This one wasn't necessarily a bad thing until the third round where it was days of not sleeping. (Yes, this is an exaggeration. I slept for about 2-4 hours per day for about 3 to 4 days) The lack of sleep made me completely emotional as well. My poor fiance didn't get much sleep either, as I was up and down constantly getting frustrated with myself. I already was beginning to cry at the cheesiest of commercials, but now everything made me cry. As if I had the liquid to spare.
EXHAUSTION:
The last round had me so tired I believe it rivaled a case of mono, but I have no real basis of comparison. (Bright side, I was sleeping loads this time) I just have never experienced anything like it. And I truly hope that the radiation induced exhaustion isn't this bad. I would get up in an attempt to do the dishes or exercise like the doc...(ha ha ha ha I can't even finish this sentence). I would get up in an attempt to do the dishes or get a glass of water and I would get so tired. As I stood up my heart would begin to pound in my chest. It wouldn't be long before I had to sit or lay down again. The idea of climbing the stairs was borderline nightmarish. This feeling lasted for days.
There were many other side effects that I experienced here and there, such as swelling feet and nose bleeds, but those listed above were the heavy hitters for me. I'm so glad that this stage of the treatment is over and I hope it makes a huge difference in my recovery going forward. I guess eventually I'm going to need to do that exercise thing in order to aid that recovery, but for now, I'm just glad I'm mentally holding it together. And now I need more water, that thing that will not actually hydrate my tongue/mouth ever.
Note: Please see the bottom for some updates on the blog that allows you to check boxes on whether you found a post funny, informative, cool, etc.
Note: Please see the bottom for some updates on the blog that allows you to check boxes on whether you found a post funny, informative, cool, etc.
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Red Devil: Round 4, Let's Call This One a Tie
Well, ding dong, I'm done. With the Red Devil that is, but it is not done with me. This round brings on a level of exhaustion I have not yet experienced. And not just with chemo, in my life either. I never contracted mono for a comparison to this. This very moment is the first time I've had the energy to do anything and it's basically Tuesday of the week following the treatment.
It's hard to even remember most of last week to be perfectly honest. I will not forget the last round itself. First of all, my wonderful cousin, Tami, joined me this round. We had a wonderful time making the doctor laugh and each other. My cousin Tami has a strange interest with the medical profession that stops short of actually being in the medical profession. After they had inserted the IV into my port (which merely writing about this is making want to throw up a little bit) she told me how they were taking my blood. I figured she told me because I wasn't looking. I gave her the look of death and said, "Hey, I'm not looking for a reason." Our banter just continued from there, surely entertaining the entire staff as we went.
In the doctor's office we began to discuss all that ailed me. Somewhere the question of radiation and hair loss came up. My mom had wondered if radiation would also cause hair loss because my older brother Jake had hair loss as a child from it. He did not have chemo back then. The doctor explained that it would cause hair loss in the area that the radiation is being applied, so my hair would start to grow (on my head) once the chemo was over, even during the radiation. He added, "So because your radiation is on the breast, you will have nothing to worry about." I couldn't help myself but to respond, "Unless I have a hairy chest." The conversation went downhill from there.
Tami continued to make jokes to which I would remind her she was a terrible support system. It's family, we have to ride each other. Once more I received the suite, but not until after the blood test was delivered. (If I haven't mentioned it previously, it's the suite because it's in the corner, more private, and larger than other infusion stations) My blood work is finally starting to show signs of the chemo. Some things were too high and some things were too low. Most things I didn't understand, but since the doctor had no worries, than I wasn't going to worry. He did tell me I was getting a great nurse. I thought that meant most experienced, but I'm thinking it meant new. The whole round felt more of everything. She was very nice, but everything seemed harder.
I'm having such a difficult time writing about this moment. I'm sitting here feeling all of the blood leave my face and my mouth water. Perhaps I should move on. I'll come back to this later if I'm up to it.
The side effects also didn't go very smoothly. The exhaustion level shot through the roof. This is the first time I can handle sitting at my desk at home. It's also insane to me how I have such a hard time remembering things, not bumping into things or dropping things, saying things without my tongue getting in the way, thinking of the thing to say, but not being able to get it out. I would get angry and want to say fuck, but it would come out fluck. This would only make me escalate to a higher level of anger and I would want to hit something. However, I don't want to break anything of mine. It was hard enough trying not to break things by accident.
Poor Kevin, having to not only deal with my venty meltdowns, but he was likely on overload with helping me do things because this round rivaled the first in nausea.
We had friends come over Friday night. I was determined to be okay. It was Christmas weekend. Every 5 to 15 minutes I would have to sit down or lay down on the couch. The evening did not last long and I felt guilty not being able to entertain my guests. Which is totally ridiculous as I'm going through chemo and they completely understood that.
I made it through my mom's party on Saturday and Kevin's family today. I was just starting to come out of the exhaustion and nausea fog when suddenly a cold has reared it's ugly head and here I sit, typing away, waiting for the Nyquil to kick in.
It's hard to even remember most of last week to be perfectly honest. I will not forget the last round itself. First of all, my wonderful cousin, Tami, joined me this round. We had a wonderful time making the doctor laugh and each other. My cousin Tami has a strange interest with the medical profession that stops short of actually being in the medical profession. After they had inserted the IV into my port (which merely writing about this is making want to throw up a little bit) she told me how they were taking my blood. I figured she told me because I wasn't looking. I gave her the look of death and said, "Hey, I'm not looking for a reason." Our banter just continued from there, surely entertaining the entire staff as we went.
In the doctor's office we began to discuss all that ailed me. Somewhere the question of radiation and hair loss came up. My mom had wondered if radiation would also cause hair loss because my older brother Jake had hair loss as a child from it. He did not have chemo back then. The doctor explained that it would cause hair loss in the area that the radiation is being applied, so my hair would start to grow (on my head) once the chemo was over, even during the radiation. He added, "So because your radiation is on the breast, you will have nothing to worry about." I couldn't help myself but to respond, "Unless I have a hairy chest." The conversation went downhill from there.
Tami continued to make jokes to which I would remind her she was a terrible support system. It's family, we have to ride each other. Once more I received the suite, but not until after the blood test was delivered. (If I haven't mentioned it previously, it's the suite because it's in the corner, more private, and larger than other infusion stations) My blood work is finally starting to show signs of the chemo. Some things were too high and some things were too low. Most things I didn't understand, but since the doctor had no worries, than I wasn't going to worry. He did tell me I was getting a great nurse. I thought that meant most experienced, but I'm thinking it meant new. The whole round felt more of everything. She was very nice, but everything seemed harder.
I'm having such a difficult time writing about this moment. I'm sitting here feeling all of the blood leave my face and my mouth water. Perhaps I should move on. I'll come back to this later if I'm up to it.
The side effects also didn't go very smoothly. The exhaustion level shot through the roof. This is the first time I can handle sitting at my desk at home. It's also insane to me how I have such a hard time remembering things, not bumping into things or dropping things, saying things without my tongue getting in the way, thinking of the thing to say, but not being able to get it out. I would get angry and want to say fuck, but it would come out fluck. This would only make me escalate to a higher level of anger and I would want to hit something. However, I don't want to break anything of mine. It was hard enough trying not to break things by accident.
Poor Kevin, having to not only deal with my venty meltdowns, but he was likely on overload with helping me do things because this round rivaled the first in nausea.
We had friends come over Friday night. I was determined to be okay. It was Christmas weekend. Every 5 to 15 minutes I would have to sit down or lay down on the couch. The evening did not last long and I felt guilty not being able to entertain my guests. Which is totally ridiculous as I'm going through chemo and they completely understood that.
I made it through my mom's party on Saturday and Kevin's family today. I was just starting to come out of the exhaustion and nausea fog when suddenly a cold has reared it's ugly head and here I sit, typing away, waiting for the Nyquil to kick in.
Friday, December 15, 2017
Cancer Has More Negatives than Just Chemotherapy
One thing a Full Medical Leave gives you, is time to think. Especially, if you have insomnia caused by treatment. My emotions have also been all over the place too. It's hard to know when I'm being overly sensitive or if the people around me are the ones being insensitive.
You would think going through surgery, chemo, the side effects of chemo, and everything else would be enough to deal with when you have been diagnosed with cancer, but apparently that isn't the end of it. Judgment, fear, and lack of compassion from some rear it's ugly head and take you by surprise, while others pour out to help and melt your heart with their concern and support. I've sadly and happily experienced the gamete of this.
The Low of the Lows:
The sad part is the former impacts you so much more when you are dealing with the horror show that is cancer. It stresses you to a level you don't need. It breaks you down when you need to be lifted up. And the worst part is sometimes it comes from those that are your own family and those closest to you. It damages those relationships, sometimes irreparably.
The other day I had such said moment with a family member. I have no intention of speaking to that person ever again. It was a simple question met with disdain. They simply could have said no and left it alone, but the need to shame me and berate me and try to make me feel like a loser at the worst point in my life. (Not just what I'm going through now, but burying my older brother in June. This year has already been a shitshow). A truly innocent question met with a cold, thoughtless, and at the same time childish response.
So of course, I met it in kind. I don't believe the reasons given by the offender were the true reason for the lashing, but rather something far more immature. I cried for an hour.
I was in the car at the time, in my daughter's school parking lot. We were about to go in when I received the message I could never have anticipated coming. My emotions went from angry to embarrassed to overwhelming heartache within 20 seconds. The tears poured out as I messaged back from the first emotion, the angry place.
I wondered if I was crazy, if it was me, if I deserved this? I brought my daughter into school after trying to wipe the tears away, but I couldn't hide the swollen, puffy eyes. And I couldn't ignore the look of sympathy on the teacher's face.
I then drove to the local Starbuck's to get a cold coffee and I still couldn't stop crying. Not sobbing, just silent tears falling. As I approached the drive thru the swelling had worsened. I could feel bags under my eyes forming. (it didn't help that I hadn't slept more than a few hours for the past few nights.) And once more, I received a pitied look from the woman at the drive thru handing me my order.
I drove to my mom's. One of my few good days and I wanted to run errands, but now I couldn't. I was too busy trying to grapple with many emotions. Emotions I suppressed for the last few months. Tears I hadn't yet cried for my brother and this moment unleashed a dam of salty water I had stored up. There would be no errands today. One of my few good days was to be wasted on someone not worth wasting anything on. Did I feel that way about this person before this event? No, but I certainly did and do now.
I spent the next couple of hours at my mom's needing comfort and my wounds licked. I needed confirmation that I did nothing wrong. I need assurance that this person was the one who was in the wrong. Today I feel much differently. I do NOT feel I deserved it. I understand that this person is likely sick and damaged and there is no fixing someone who can be so heartless. What they did is really unimportant, it's the fact that they did it. It's the fact that I learned something new about someone in my life that I didn't think they were capable of.
Less Bad, But Still Disheartening:
There are those out there that think I'm trying to garner sympathy by shaving my head. Seeing how I haven't had short hair since I was 5...most definitely NEVER would I cut my hair to get it. Depending on the chemo you can start to lose your hair between 12-16 days after the first treatment and that, in fact, is the average. This time frame tends to run into the second treatment, but most likely Round 1 is causing the hair loss. Some people do not lose their hair, but I would say those people are the exception, not the rule.
There are some that are bothered that I blog about this because they themselves would not be comfortable sharing such details of their own lives. I'm not them. I'm not uncomfortable sharing. Anyone who knows me would not be surprised to see me sharing. And they most certainly don't have to read it.
And finally, there are those that severely disapprove of GoFundMe. I have one, which a family member of mine started for me. And to that I say, then don't donate. The reason those things ever came to be were for people like me and people far worse off. And there are people on there for reasons I may not agree with, but again, I don't donate if I don't agree. Apparently, there are those out there who feel I should go bankrupt and lose my house before ever getting any kind of assistance or help from others. Regardless, if they themselves have ever received any kind of handout themselves. I can only conclude that they believe they have somehow earned it while others have not. Or they don't believe anyone will find out that they too are human and needed help. Most likely, now that they have money, they don't like to have to give back to the community. The same community that once supported them.
The Upswing:
But then there are those angels. The light in the dark. The people that make me go...WOW! I can't believe you even thought of me! They are those that rose from out of nowhere and shocked and amazed me. People I didn't know well or at all, donating to my expenses. Friends and family wanting to take my daughter on play dates, make charitable tee-shirts, take me to get my nails done, come with me during treatment, bring me dinner or flowers, or just check in on me with a text or a call. Those people are the people that can turn a bad day into a good day quite quickly. Thank God! Without them, the people mentioned above would take a piece of me. The people above would likely get me to stop writing this blog due to their judgments.
There have already been times where I wanted to shut this down, shut down go fund me, and close facebook because of others' actions and unkindness. They wanted to shame me and it worked...until my true friends and family came through and reassured me that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Everyone is different and everyone needs to take this journey in a way that suits them. If there are those people in your life that can't understand it or support it, then they don't need to be apart of it. But don't expect to be apart of my life after it's over either.
Those supportive people are the ones that have stood out to me as being truly genuine. I'm not different to talk to, yet it's hard for some. It's scary, I guess. Uncomfortable. However, who am I to judge those who have said nothing to me? Even those who said nothing to me when Jake died. Before my dad or before my brother, I had no understanding on how to deal with death or illness, when it was someone else's loss. When those around me lost someone, I said nothing because I thought that was the best thing to do. Or at least I told myself that's why I said nothing. It wasn't. And it was far from the best thing to do. Even saying that you are sorry is better than saying nothing at all. And this is my learning tool. I hope from this I will become far more cognisant of those around me and their grief. And instead of worrying about my own comfort, offer them some instead.
You would think going through surgery, chemo, the side effects of chemo, and everything else would be enough to deal with when you have been diagnosed with cancer, but apparently that isn't the end of it. Judgment, fear, and lack of compassion from some rear it's ugly head and take you by surprise, while others pour out to help and melt your heart with their concern and support. I've sadly and happily experienced the gamete of this.
The Low of the Lows:
The sad part is the former impacts you so much more when you are dealing with the horror show that is cancer. It stresses you to a level you don't need. It breaks you down when you need to be lifted up. And the worst part is sometimes it comes from those that are your own family and those closest to you. It damages those relationships, sometimes irreparably.
The other day I had such said moment with a family member. I have no intention of speaking to that person ever again. It was a simple question met with disdain. They simply could have said no and left it alone, but the need to shame me and berate me and try to make me feel like a loser at the worst point in my life. (Not just what I'm going through now, but burying my older brother in June. This year has already been a shitshow). A truly innocent question met with a cold, thoughtless, and at the same time childish response.
So of course, I met it in kind. I don't believe the reasons given by the offender were the true reason for the lashing, but rather something far more immature. I cried for an hour.
I was in the car at the time, in my daughter's school parking lot. We were about to go in when I received the message I could never have anticipated coming. My emotions went from angry to embarrassed to overwhelming heartache within 20 seconds. The tears poured out as I messaged back from the first emotion, the angry place.
I wondered if I was crazy, if it was me, if I deserved this? I brought my daughter into school after trying to wipe the tears away, but I couldn't hide the swollen, puffy eyes. And I couldn't ignore the look of sympathy on the teacher's face.
I then drove to the local Starbuck's to get a cold coffee and I still couldn't stop crying. Not sobbing, just silent tears falling. As I approached the drive thru the swelling had worsened. I could feel bags under my eyes forming. (it didn't help that I hadn't slept more than a few hours for the past few nights.) And once more, I received a pitied look from the woman at the drive thru handing me my order.
I drove to my mom's. One of my few good days and I wanted to run errands, but now I couldn't. I was too busy trying to grapple with many emotions. Emotions I suppressed for the last few months. Tears I hadn't yet cried for my brother and this moment unleashed a dam of salty water I had stored up. There would be no errands today. One of my few good days was to be wasted on someone not worth wasting anything on. Did I feel that way about this person before this event? No, but I certainly did and do now.
I spent the next couple of hours at my mom's needing comfort and my wounds licked. I needed confirmation that I did nothing wrong. I need assurance that this person was the one who was in the wrong. Today I feel much differently. I do NOT feel I deserved it. I understand that this person is likely sick and damaged and there is no fixing someone who can be so heartless. What they did is really unimportant, it's the fact that they did it. It's the fact that I learned something new about someone in my life that I didn't think they were capable of.
Less Bad, But Still Disheartening:
There are those out there that think I'm trying to garner sympathy by shaving my head. Seeing how I haven't had short hair since I was 5...most definitely NEVER would I cut my hair to get it. Depending on the chemo you can start to lose your hair between 12-16 days after the first treatment and that, in fact, is the average. This time frame tends to run into the second treatment, but most likely Round 1 is causing the hair loss. Some people do not lose their hair, but I would say those people are the exception, not the rule.
There are some that are bothered that I blog about this because they themselves would not be comfortable sharing such details of their own lives. I'm not them. I'm not uncomfortable sharing. Anyone who knows me would not be surprised to see me sharing. And they most certainly don't have to read it.
And finally, there are those that severely disapprove of GoFundMe. I have one, which a family member of mine started for me. And to that I say, then don't donate. The reason those things ever came to be were for people like me and people far worse off. And there are people on there for reasons I may not agree with, but again, I don't donate if I don't agree. Apparently, there are those out there who feel I should go bankrupt and lose my house before ever getting any kind of assistance or help from others. Regardless, if they themselves have ever received any kind of handout themselves. I can only conclude that they believe they have somehow earned it while others have not. Or they don't believe anyone will find out that they too are human and needed help. Most likely, now that they have money, they don't like to have to give back to the community. The same community that once supported them.
The Upswing:
But then there are those angels. The light in the dark. The people that make me go...WOW! I can't believe you even thought of me! They are those that rose from out of nowhere and shocked and amazed me. People I didn't know well or at all, donating to my expenses. Friends and family wanting to take my daughter on play dates, make charitable tee-shirts, take me to get my nails done, come with me during treatment, bring me dinner or flowers, or just check in on me with a text or a call. Those people are the people that can turn a bad day into a good day quite quickly. Thank God! Without them, the people mentioned above would take a piece of me. The people above would likely get me to stop writing this blog due to their judgments.
There have already been times where I wanted to shut this down, shut down go fund me, and close facebook because of others' actions and unkindness. They wanted to shame me and it worked...until my true friends and family came through and reassured me that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Everyone is different and everyone needs to take this journey in a way that suits them. If there are those people in your life that can't understand it or support it, then they don't need to be apart of it. But don't expect to be apart of my life after it's over either.
Those supportive people are the ones that have stood out to me as being truly genuine. I'm not different to talk to, yet it's hard for some. It's scary, I guess. Uncomfortable. However, who am I to judge those who have said nothing to me? Even those who said nothing to me when Jake died. Before my dad or before my brother, I had no understanding on how to deal with death or illness, when it was someone else's loss. When those around me lost someone, I said nothing because I thought that was the best thing to do. Or at least I told myself that's why I said nothing. It wasn't. And it was far from the best thing to do. Even saying that you are sorry is better than saying nothing at all. And this is my learning tool. I hope from this I will become far more cognisant of those around me and their grief. And instead of worrying about my own comfort, offer them some instead.
Thursday, December 7, 2017
Red Devil: Round 3 Brings New Challenges
This will likely take me days to write, as it usually does. I can only seem to write a little at a time.
Before Monday's treatment I had energy like no other, the night before, and I was determined to get as much done as possible before I could no longer do these things for over a week. My 5 year old and I baked and decorated sugar cookies, made ornaments, and put up the little Christmas tree this year.
Due to all of this activity, I stayed up later than I should, most likely because I knew what was to come very early in the morning. The earliest appointment to date, outside of the two surgeries.
So of course due to my late night I woke up late and had no time to do Melina's hair for school, so I let my mom. We rushed there and barely made it for the drop off before I had to run to the hospital for the fun to begin.
The nice part about this visit was I wasn't sick like I was before during the last treatment. I was able to do some things on my computer and had the wonderful company of my fiance, but I was so tired afterwards. Just thinking about the treatments makes me feel like throwing up. That feeling will last til next week, and it's really hard to push it out of my head. Even the wonderful food, that tasted just fine while I was there, now the memory haunts my stomach and my taste buds.
I must stop eating the hospital food. It's not bad, but it's ruins the foods I would ordinarily enjoy later. Right now it's a struggle just to write this and I know it's not the worst day either. That's still to come. Friday, Saturday and perhaps Sunday and Monday will be the worst. Then perhaps I"ll feel really good by Thursday or Friday of next week.
I'm counting it down. The Red Devil hits one last time on the 18th. And I have to stop thinking about it. Churning in my stomach begins when I do. Then we move to the weekly doses of a different chemo for 12 weeks.
I also need to stop rambling. I'm a talker and a fast one, but I've noticed it's worse when I check in. I think I should be popping an anti anxiety pill before the treatments start. Maybe I won't forget stuff that are important and maybe my hands will stop sweating before they need to access the port. (shudder)
Then there is the showering. This has become another difficult task because we buzzed the bulk of my hair and now it's a million tiny itchy hairs on my shoulders and over my face as it continues to fall out while hot water splashes over my head. Yes, I know it could be worse and more traumatizing if it was long hair, but surprisingly there is still a trauma to losing your hair when it's not in your control, regardless of the length. But I can't avoid the shower or I'll smell really bad and that's no good.
The heartburn has been in check, so far, as is the constipation. Nausea is still in and out and exhaustion seems to have taken over. Following the previous treatment, my feet began to hurt in the second week, but not in the way that makes me believe it's nueropathy. Just pain in the balls and heels when walking, like callouses or something. Nothing appeared out of the ordinary, but there was pain
I'm hoping that the rest isn't as bad, but I'm on a full medical leave now until this is all done. It's too hard to predict how I'm feeling and so far it hasn't been good. Sometimes I stumble over my own words and I don't feel that is good either for communication skills. I'm blaming this on what they call chemo brain.
Then there are the non cancer sides of all of this. Today marks the 6th month anniversary of my older brother's death. I still haven't had time to really grieve his loss. I haven't even visited the grave, because the thoughts that roll through my head, I just can't be there yet. I just focus on my very beautiful daughter who today came to my aid when she thought my mom was being mean to me. When in reality, she was being a mom. But it was beautiful. And she is the reason I continue on forward for. Even when the news wants to shut that down...you know, happiness.
I went to my counseling appointment yesterday. That was another struggle due to the exhaustion and there was some confusion with medications at the pharmacy. Three millions pounds of paperwork for financial assistance programs and it's hard to keep my strength up to fill them out and get the necessary documentation. It becomes overwhelming, but I guess any moment I get, I will be doing what I can.
Til the next time...
Before Monday's treatment I had energy like no other, the night before, and I was determined to get as much done as possible before I could no longer do these things for over a week. My 5 year old and I baked and decorated sugar cookies, made ornaments, and put up the little Christmas tree this year.
Due to all of this activity, I stayed up later than I should, most likely because I knew what was to come very early in the morning. The earliest appointment to date, outside of the two surgeries.
So of course due to my late night I woke up late and had no time to do Melina's hair for school, so I let my mom. We rushed there and barely made it for the drop off before I had to run to the hospital for the fun to begin.
The nice part about this visit was I wasn't sick like I was before during the last treatment. I was able to do some things on my computer and had the wonderful company of my fiance, but I was so tired afterwards. Just thinking about the treatments makes me feel like throwing up. That feeling will last til next week, and it's really hard to push it out of my head. Even the wonderful food, that tasted just fine while I was there, now the memory haunts my stomach and my taste buds.
I must stop eating the hospital food. It's not bad, but it's ruins the foods I would ordinarily enjoy later. Right now it's a struggle just to write this and I know it's not the worst day either. That's still to come. Friday, Saturday and perhaps Sunday and Monday will be the worst. Then perhaps I"ll feel really good by Thursday or Friday of next week.
I'm counting it down. The Red Devil hits one last time on the 18th. And I have to stop thinking about it. Churning in my stomach begins when I do. Then we move to the weekly doses of a different chemo for 12 weeks.
I also need to stop rambling. I'm a talker and a fast one, but I've noticed it's worse when I check in. I think I should be popping an anti anxiety pill before the treatments start. Maybe I won't forget stuff that are important and maybe my hands will stop sweating before they need to access the port. (shudder)
Then there is the showering. This has become another difficult task because we buzzed the bulk of my hair and now it's a million tiny itchy hairs on my shoulders and over my face as it continues to fall out while hot water splashes over my head. Yes, I know it could be worse and more traumatizing if it was long hair, but surprisingly there is still a trauma to losing your hair when it's not in your control, regardless of the length. But I can't avoid the shower or I'll smell really bad and that's no good.
The heartburn has been in check, so far, as is the constipation. Nausea is still in and out and exhaustion seems to have taken over. Following the previous treatment, my feet began to hurt in the second week, but not in the way that makes me believe it's nueropathy. Just pain in the balls and heels when walking, like callouses or something. Nothing appeared out of the ordinary, but there was pain
I'm hoping that the rest isn't as bad, but I'm on a full medical leave now until this is all done. It's too hard to predict how I'm feeling and so far it hasn't been good. Sometimes I stumble over my own words and I don't feel that is good either for communication skills. I'm blaming this on what they call chemo brain.
Then there are the non cancer sides of all of this. Today marks the 6th month anniversary of my older brother's death. I still haven't had time to really grieve his loss. I haven't even visited the grave, because the thoughts that roll through my head, I just can't be there yet. I just focus on my very beautiful daughter who today came to my aid when she thought my mom was being mean to me. When in reality, she was being a mom. But it was beautiful. And she is the reason I continue on forward for. Even when the news wants to shut that down...you know, happiness.
I went to my counseling appointment yesterday. That was another struggle due to the exhaustion and there was some confusion with medications at the pharmacy. Three millions pounds of paperwork for financial assistance programs and it's hard to keep my strength up to fill them out and get the necessary documentation. It becomes overwhelming, but I guess any moment I get, I will be doing what I can.
Til the next time...
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