Cancer Has More Negatives than Just Chemotherapy

One thing a Full Medical Leave gives you, is time to think. Especially, if you have insomnia caused by treatment. My emotions have also been all over the place too. It's hard to know when I'm being overly sensitive or if the people around me are the ones being insensitive.

You would think going through surgery, chemo, the side effects of chemo, and everything else would be enough to deal with when you have been diagnosed with cancer, but apparently that isn't the end of it. Judgment, fear, and lack of compassion from some rear it's ugly head and take you by surprise, while others pour out to help and melt your heart with their concern and support. I've sadly and happily experienced the gamete of this.

The Low of the Lows:

The sad part is the former impacts you so much more when you are dealing with the horror show that is cancer. It stresses you to a level you don't need. It breaks you down when you need to be lifted up. And the worst part is sometimes it comes from those that are your own family and those closest to you. It damages those relationships, sometimes irreparably.

The other day I had such said moment with a family member. I have no intention of speaking to that person ever again. It was a simple question met with disdain. They simply could have said no and left it alone, but the need to shame me and berate me and try to make me feel like a loser at the worst point in my life. (Not just what I'm going through now, but burying my older brother in June. This year has already been a shitshow). A truly innocent question met with a cold, thoughtless, and at the same time childish response.

So of course, I met it in kind. I don't believe the reasons given by the offender were the true reason for the lashing, but rather something far more immature. I cried for an hour.

I was in the car at the time, in my daughter's school parking lot. We were about to go in when I received the message I could never have anticipated coming. My emotions went from angry to embarrassed to overwhelming heartache within 20 seconds. The tears poured out as I messaged back from the first emotion, the angry place.

I wondered if I was crazy, if it was me, if I deserved this? I brought my daughter into school after trying to wipe the tears away, but I couldn't hide the swollen, puffy eyes. And I couldn't ignore the look of sympathy on the teacher's face.

I then drove to the local Starbuck's to get a cold coffee and I still couldn't stop crying. Not sobbing, just silent tears falling. As I approached the drive thru the swelling had worsened. I could feel bags under my eyes forming. (it didn't help that I hadn't slept more than a few hours for the past few nights.) And once more, I received a pitied look from the woman at the drive thru handing me my order.

I drove to my mom's. One of my few good days and I wanted to run errands, but now I couldn't. I was too busy trying to grapple with many emotions. Emotions I suppressed for the last few months. Tears I hadn't yet cried for my brother and this moment unleashed a dam of salty water I had stored up. There would be no errands today. One of my few good days was to be wasted on someone not worth wasting anything on. Did I feel that way about this person before this event? No, but I certainly did and do now.

I spent the next couple of hours at my mom's needing comfort and my wounds licked. I needed confirmation that I did nothing wrong. I need assurance that this person was the one who was in the wrong. Today I feel much differently. I do NOT feel I deserved it. I understand that this person is likely sick and damaged and there is no fixing someone who can be so heartless. What they did is really unimportant, it's the fact that they did it. It's the fact that I learned something new about someone in my life that I didn't think they were capable of.

Less Bad, But Still Disheartening:

There are those out there that think I'm trying to garner sympathy by shaving my head. Seeing how I haven't had short hair since I was 5...most definitely NEVER would I cut my hair to get it. Depending on the chemo you can start to lose your hair between 12-16 days after the first treatment and that, in fact, is the average. This time frame tends to run into the second treatment, but most likely Round 1 is causing the hair loss. Some people do not lose their hair, but I would say those people are the exception, not the rule.

There are some that are bothered that I blog about this because they themselves would not be comfortable sharing such details of their own lives. I'm not them. I'm not uncomfortable sharing. Anyone who knows me would not be surprised to see me sharing. And they most certainly don't have to read it.

And finally, there are those that severely disapprove of GoFundMe. I have one, which a family member of mine started for me. And to that I say, then don't donate. The reason those things ever came to be were for people like me and people far worse off. And there are people on there for reasons I may not agree with, but again, I don't donate if I don't agree. Apparently, there are those out there who feel I should go bankrupt and lose my house before ever getting any kind of assistance or help from others. Regardless, if they themselves have ever received any kind of handout themselves. I can only conclude that they believe they have somehow earned it while others have not. Or they don't believe anyone will find out that they too are human and needed help. Most likely, now that they have money, they don't like to have to give back to the community. The same community that once supported them.

The Upswing: 

But then there are those angels. The light in the dark. The people that make me go...WOW! I can't believe you even thought of me! They are those that rose from out of nowhere and shocked and amazed me. People I didn't know well or at all, donating to my expenses. Friends and family wanting to take my daughter on play dates, make charitable tee-shirts, take me to get my nails done, come with me during treatment, bring me dinner or flowers, or just check in on me with a text or a call. Those people are the people that can turn a bad day into a good day quite quickly. Thank God! Without them, the people mentioned above would take a piece of me. The people above would likely get me to stop writing this blog due to their judgments.

There have already been times where I wanted to shut this down, shut down go fund me, and close facebook because of others' actions and unkindness. They wanted to shame me and it worked...until my true friends and family came through and reassured me that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Everyone is different and everyone needs to take this journey in a way that suits them. If there are those people in your life that can't understand it or support it, then they don't need to be apart of it. But don't expect to be apart of my life after it's over either.

Those supportive people are the ones that have stood out to me as being truly genuine. I'm not different to talk to, yet it's hard for some. It's scary, I guess. Uncomfortable.  However, who am I to judge those who have said nothing to me? Even those who said nothing to me when Jake died. Before my dad or before my brother, I had no understanding on how to deal with death or illness, when it was someone else's loss. When those around me lost someone, I said nothing because I thought that was the best thing to do. Or at least I told myself that's why I said nothing. It wasn't. And it was far from the best thing to do. Even saying that you are sorry is better than saying nothing at all. And this is my learning tool. I hope from this I will become far more cognisant of those around me and their grief. And instead of worrying about my own comfort, offer them some instead.