Before Monday's treatment I had energy like no other, the night before, and I was determined to get as much done as possible before I could no longer do these things for over a week. My 5 year old and I baked and decorated sugar cookies, made ornaments, and put up the little Christmas tree this year.
Due to all of this activity, I stayed up later than I should, most likely because I knew what was to come very early in the morning. The earliest appointment to date, outside of the two surgeries.
So of course due to my late night I woke up late and had no time to do Melina's hair for school, so I let my mom. We rushed there and barely made it for the drop off before I had to run to the hospital for the fun to begin.
The nice part about this visit was I wasn't sick like I was before during the last treatment. I was able to do some things on my computer and had the wonderful company of my fiance, but I was so tired afterwards. Just thinking about the treatments makes me feel like throwing up. That feeling will last til next week, and it's really hard to push it out of my head. Even the wonderful food, that tasted just fine while I was there, now the memory haunts my stomach and my taste buds.
I must stop eating the hospital food. It's not bad, but it's ruins the foods I would ordinarily enjoy later. Right now it's a struggle just to write this and I know it's not the worst day either. That's still to come. Friday, Saturday and perhaps Sunday and Monday will be the worst. Then perhaps I"ll feel really good by Thursday or Friday of next week.
I'm counting it down. The Red Devil hits one last time on the 18th. And I have to stop thinking about it. Churning in my stomach begins when I do. Then we move to the weekly doses of a different chemo for 12 weeks.
I also need to stop rambling. I'm a talker and a fast one, but I've noticed it's worse when I check in. I think I should be popping an anti anxiety pill before the treatments start. Maybe I won't forget stuff that are important and maybe my hands will stop sweating before they need to access the port. (shudder)
Then there is the showering. This has become another difficult task because we buzzed the bulk of my hair and now it's a million tiny itchy hairs on my shoulders and over my face as it continues to fall out while hot water splashes over my head. Yes, I know it could be worse and more traumatizing if it was long hair, but surprisingly there is still a trauma to losing your hair when it's not in your control, regardless of the length. But I can't avoid the shower or I'll smell really bad and that's no good.
The heartburn has been in check, so far, as is the constipation. Nausea is still in and out and exhaustion seems to have taken over. Following the previous treatment, my feet began to hurt in the second week, but not in the way that makes me believe it's nueropathy. Just pain in the balls and heels when walking, like callouses or something. Nothing appeared out of the ordinary, but there was pain
I'm hoping that the rest isn't as bad, but I'm on a full medical leave now until this is all done. It's too hard to predict how I'm feeling and so far it hasn't been good. Sometimes I stumble over my own words and I don't feel that is good either for communication skills. I'm blaming this on what they call chemo brain.
Then there are the non cancer sides of all of this. Today marks the 6th month anniversary of my older brother's death. I still haven't had time to really grieve his loss. I haven't even visited the grave, because the thoughts that roll through my head, I just can't be there yet. I just focus on my very beautiful daughter who today came to my aid when she thought my mom was being mean to me. When in reality, she was being a mom. But it was beautiful. And she is the reason I continue on forward for. Even when the news wants to shut that down...you know, happiness.
I went to my counseling appointment yesterday. That was another struggle due to the exhaustion and there was some confusion with medications at the pharmacy. Three millions pounds of paperwork for financial assistance programs and it's hard to keep my strength up to fill them out and get the necessary documentation. It becomes overwhelming, but I guess any moment I get, I will be doing what I can.
Til the next time...
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