Kicking Out Taxol with Relaxation And a Jacuzzi for Two...Sort Of.

I’m so very sorry for the long delay. It’s been a little hectic around here for sure. I feel overwhelmed most days. The wedding is looming as well as the return to work. I’ll need a refresher course in passwords at my desk.

But before that, I’m looking at doing both radiation on the 26^th as well as physical therapy now, but I won’t know anything for sure until Monday when I go in to meet with the oncologist.

The physical therapy came out last week when my fiancé and I got to go to a bed and breakfast that caters to those going through cancer treatment. Though they take anyone as a customer, the woman who runs this B&B gives a, free, three-night stay with meals to those going through active treatment.

As you can see from the pictures below of our stay, Mystic Views (which runs in conjunction with Priceless4Purpose), was a relaxing getaway vacation, with delicious food. I am famously known for my immense hatred for eggs. I won’t even eat French toast most times because I can taste the egg. The only way I have managed to eat eggs is if I have them over easy and dip my toast in the yolk, then toss the rest. But this lovely woman, Cindy, made an Omelet so good I ate the entire thing. Now I couldn’t eat the egg alone, but there was so much wonderfulness inside this Omelet I had nothing to worry about and I inhaled it. Sausage, onions, wild rice, Portobello mushrooms, celery, and cheese. It was heaven in an egg shell.

It has to be said (about the below picture) that it's advertised on the pamphlet for the bed and breakfast, that there is a Jacuzzi for two. Of course when I got there I had to ask her, is this for two MINNESOTA bodies or two ARIZONA bodies. 

I admit, there was some necessary maneuvering needed, but we made it work.  We probably just needed less water than people from Arizona would have needed. 

On the second day there we went antiquing in Nisswa and had a scrumptious pizza at Rafferty’s. Then we went to The Big Axe Brewery and had a Tart Cherry Shandy…yum! 

This was our only adventure. So most of our stay we played games and watched Netflix. I heart Stranger Things!

The stars were amazing all the nights we were there and I was even able to glimpse a shooting star. Kevin got a kick out of the sunsets and sunrises. I only peeked as these as my energy waned in the evening and I slept later than he did in the morning. I will not forget this trip anytime soon. I most certainly worried so little and for me, that is saying a lot.

Though the chemo was done and had been done for a week at that point, my feet had begun to swell, and I could only wear slippers. Not to mention my right arm was in pain. I’m fearing this is lymphedema. This is basically caused by the lumpectomy I had, and the three lymph nodes that were removed. It can cause the swelling of my feet and could possibly swell my arm to twice or more it’s natural size. It’s very rare, but from everything I googled, that’s what this pain sounds like. Another thing it could be is cording. The cause being the same.

Again, I’ll find out next week for sure. In the meantime, I’ve been doing my stretches I found online to help me along. They remind me of 70s workout videos in the sense they aren't as hardcore as the newest workouts tend to be, but I do find that they help my arm to hurt less if I do these once a day. And they aren't meant to be hardcore either, obviously. I mean I can barely put my right arm above my head in a straight line without wincing...screaming...whatever.

The worst part is my engagement ring hasn’t been fitting. I can get it on, but I can’t get it off easily. I worry it will get stuck, so I haven’t been wearing it. I haven’t been eating nearly as much as I was on chemo, but I don’t believe any weight loss has yet to occur…ugh!  The expectation that I had lost weight on chemo has not happened, but rather weight gain which is more common with breast cancer.

I still have the hot flashes and heartburn and I’m still tired, but each day it’s getting better and better. I also have started taking pictures of my head each week to document hair growth. I think it’s growing quickly and maybe I’ll have a pixie hairdo at the wedding, but I’m still going to wear a wig. I wanted long hair at my wedding all my life. At least that is how I always pictured it, and I intend for that to happen. However, I do worry about how well that thing stays on. That could be embarrassing in wedding photos...crooked wig. People just need to not hug me and it should stay on just fine. I mean who is gonna want to hug me at my wedding? Oh yeah, about 200 people. Great. That's what personal attendants are for, right?

After our wonderful get away, it was back to the hospital to set up the radiation process and mark me up. I couldn’t stop the tears that sprung up as I lay there on a machine similar to an MRI. The doctor came in and immediately noticed my upset seeing how I was unable to wipe away the tears with my arms stuck above my head at this point. He asked me what was wrong and all I could say was that it was another new thing and I was just scared.

As I lay there during the simulation I thought of my dearly departed brother and the video my mother took as he rang the bell after his own radiation treatment was completed. There was this proud happy smile on his face as he nervously rang away. And in that moment, remembering his moment, I decided I will NOT be ringing any bell when my radiation is complete. I now see it as bad luck. A moment locked in time taunting us. As I write this I once again cannot stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. It’s almost been a year since he died, and it still feels like yesterday.

Well enough blubbering for one day, I still have so much to get done in regards to paperwork…it seems never-ending. And that darn kitchen, it still needs more cleaning. My book has not been worked on either, so don’t feel bad blog readers. I neglected both.

All things seem to be coming to a head, so as stressful as it is now, I guess that means that stress is about to dramatically decrease. 

One of those things that adds stress (good and bad) came at another bad time. I had a few ladies from the wedding party come over to help with putting bouquets together. It was really the officiant that did the bulk of it all. Being a wedding planner, she was just better at it anyway. ha ha ha!

In reality, I had just had my last chemo (though I was not aware of that at the time) and I was struggling. Each treatment was getting worse and worse with side effects. (Such as neuropathy, feeling tired, nails starting to pull away from my skin and break and just everything compounding. Anytime I bumped a finger lightly I burst into tears from the pain) This is why the chemo was stopped a bit early. I was to have three more, but we (the oncologist and I) decided against it at this point due to how I was doing. I also have to schedule surgery again to remove the port. I'm not looking forward to that because of how painful the hand IVs are for me. 

Anyway, I was suffering the effects big time at this point, and couldn't do much to help my friend put these together. I was ready to just take the first one she did and work on it at a later date, but she whipped right through them. On a mission to finish them. 

The other bridesmaid there was sick and just as useful as me. I mean between my tiredness and the mad sweating and the other woman looking like death, we didn't leave her many options. I felt so terrible that she had to do this alone, but she really did it quickly and wonderfully, how bad can I feel. Who knows what I would have done to it? And it was greatly appreciated. 

Over time, I know that things will go back to normal. I just hope that they don't go so much back to normal that I take everything for granted. After June I intend to make a lot of changes to my life to hopefully ensure I have a lot of life left. But I also don't want to live in fear and dwell on it either.

At least my child keeps things normal with her sweet nature that turns quickly to meltdowns and tantrums. It helps me to forget everything else when she is driving me nuts like 5 year-olds do.

A Day in The Life of Taxol. Four Left To Go.

Tossing and turning all night long has exhausted me daily. I dream, then wake as my cheeks become engulfed in flames and it slowly spreads to the top of my head. A strange cool feeling hits my head as tiny pin prick beads of sweat burst forth from every hair follicle. I touch my head to see if I’m sweating. Sometimes I am, sometimes, I’m simply hot. I fan furiously with one hand and feel instant relief. However, the moment my hand stops, the heat hits me in full force. I can only wait it out and tear the blankets off. In a few minutes I’m freezing. It’s a nightly battle.

During the day I’m treated to the same experience, but it seems less often. My hat often finds itself left on a counter while I’m at home because I’m only moments away from tearing it off.

When the sun comes up or when I’m ready to drag my tired body out of bed, I step carefully. My feet are half asleep and half in pain. This seems to be worse with each treatment, but not bad enough to slow the treatments down..yet.  HOT FLASH!

On this morning, I needed to hop in the shower and try to get my baby brother and little girl moving. They both had school. I felt nervous. All day Sunday I could barely move off the couch. This latest round of Taxol seemed to mimic the Red Devil. This past week or two I have also needed assistance in opening a can of pop or pushing a heart burn pill out of the bubble packaging, since my fingernails are so painful. Initially, I thought it was the nail polish I had on, but now I realize this is the neuropathy rearing it's ugly head.

I began to feel more awake as the shower progress, but also like I could crawl back in bed. However, once out of the shower I was now completely awake. And yet, neither the 15 year old nor the 5 year old had moved an inch. Seriously?

We finally got moving, even with flu like aches and pains and this bloated ugly feeling. I pulled into my brother’s school parking lot and caught a glimpse of my eyebrows in the rear view mirror. They are almost gone and the bags under my eyes look even bigger. Perhaps because half of my eyelashes are gone they appear larger? I sped away to the Caribou to get an additional boost before going to my mom’s. My daughter starts school later than her uncle, so we eat breakfast there before she gets dropped off.

While she is at school I always have high expectations of doing this, writing. Or getting paperwork filled out, responding to emails, or any number of things I should get done, and I usually end up talking with my mother and not accomplishing much in the 2.5. hours she is gone. Or I have a doctor appointment during this time. This day was no different. Not feeling well, I decided to just sit there and talk while I waited for my little girl to be done with school.

Once she is loaded back into the car, we head back home and I can’t wait to just lay down. If I stand for too long I feel the color drain from my face. I don’t feel nauseated, but more like if I don’t sit back or lay down, I will end up sitting or laying down without my consent. My wonderful fiancé dresses up our kiddo in her snow pants and boots and coat and allows me to rest while they go sledding for an hour. She returns sweaty and red cheeked bringing me back to my own sledding days. Even the smell of her sweat from out door play is sweet to me.

Finally, after three days of feeling less than human, I start to feel the side effects from last week wane. I'm not feeling so well that I would dare touch a glass of liquor right now, but I can maybe make my own dinner tonight. I can drink something without pain emanating from my teeth when the cold liquid touches them. I can be less careful about grabbing things without worrying if I tore a nail off because they are no longer as painful and do not feel as fragile, though they likely are very fragile.

I will not be escaping the sweats though. One curious thing seems to be happening that I just noticed today, it looks as though my hair on the top of my head is growing, somewhat? Immediately I googled this oddity as I feared it meant that the chemo may not be working, or the cancer is stronger than the medicine. I felt relieved as I read others had encountered this same thing on Taxol. I know everyone reacts differently, even to different chemos, but it seemed like an odd thing to happen when my eyebrows are still coming out.

I do reflect on one positive from the last few days. I have been way too busy feeling cruddy to allow the news to stress me out. I review my phone less in those moments. Log in less to facebook, turn the tv on less to the news stations. 

It is exhausting sitting up, grabbing a remote, and turning the channel. I simply can't be bothered with that. This may be something I begin doing regardless of how I feel just to keep my sanity and my blood pressure at a normal rate.

5 Treatments of Taxol and Counting

I need to focus on writing about my cancer treatments, but lately social media has my blood pressure on the rise. I open up my Facebook account and I immediately begin firing off words in response to shared memes or articles. I’m also not so foolish to believe it’s not the same response or feelings on both sides. Neither of us listening to each other, just wanting to be heard, believing we are right.

Don’t get me wrong, I still won’t be convinced that an AR-15 is a necessary civilian weapon or that food boxes should be a thing for SNAP, but I do know that other people for one reason or another do believe it. And no matter what I say or how I feel, I will not change their feelings on the matter, nor will they change mine. With that in mind, I need to breathe and not allow myself to get worked up about the things I cannot change.

So I digress and return to the current state of my affairs and treatments. Besides avoiding social media unsuccessfully, so that my blood pressure doesn’t sky rocket, I have many other symptoms rearing their ugly heads each week. Some are repeat visitors and sometimes there are new ones, and sometimes there are sporadic returns of other side effects. Now I'm focused on things I can change...oh wait...I can't control any of these things either. Sure I can make them easier to deal with. Some of them anyway, but overall I'm completely out of the control.

My feet feel fuzzy and numb. My finger nails are misshaped and are extremely tender for a day or two.  After that then they just become mildly tender. Both stem from the neuropathy, which they are closely monitoring as I count down the chemo treatments. My teeth hurt, even though I brush and floss every day. My head aches from day to day as will my body on certain days. My ankles feel swollen and hurt too. Not to mention my constant hot to cold flashes at night. It’s miserable. There is a soreness creeps out from the inner right arm and runs down to my thumb and hand. Sometimes I wonder if I’m dehydrated, but I don’t believe that is it. I believe it’s in relation to the lumpectomy (from what I’ve read) and it will likely spring up from time to time for a while.

I begin to feel guilty on these days as I feel I neglect my family. I neglect my chores and paperwork and my book writing. All the other symptoms have stayed the same for the most part or increased.  Whatever you call this wonderful life of poison. But I do it with a purpose, so I won’t give up. 😉 

Today is a day where my lovely child will spend one more day with her father and we can get some more things, done, but it’s not a great day for me physically and I don’t know that I will move around much once again.

The treatment this week was also the same old same old, as I mentioned previously. Initially, I panicked as it appeared that the nurse who had hurt me with the port access last time, would be the one doing it again this week, but luckily she read my apprehension and got a different nurse to do it. It was once again pain free. Whew!

I went solo again to the appointment as well, and played on the computer while they administered the medicine. I once again fought off the urge to pass out under the influence of the Benadryl. I just refuse to rest while I’m there. I like to drink my coffee or tea and type away or watch Netflix.

HOT FLASH!!!! It’s awful. I pull my hat off and it feels like instant relief.

I have 5 weeks or 5 treatments left before the radiation starts. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to feel normal. I know I will be worried for the next four years or so that this will return, but I can’t wait to not need heart burn meds, or for food to taste normal, or for hair to grow back. I can’t wait (sadly) to have a cocktail and not have it make me feel yucky instantly. I am grateful that I have just a few appointments left of this. I am grateful that these appointments are designed to give me the best odds of survival. Now I just need to take part and start doing things to help the medicine. You know, like take better care of myself.

Seriously, another hot flash? Ugh!  It's every 30 minutes.

Can't control opinion...here it comes...watch out...disagreements to ensue.

I had a same old same old day at treatment Thursday and what feels like a same old same old news day, that shouldn’t have been that kind of day. 

I try to keep it a little on the down low on my blog regarding “politics” (even though this shouldn’t be a political issue happening right now) I can’t seem to wrap my head around the arguments I’m hearing on social media. How so many people untouched by these shootings convincing themselves that gun control wouldn’t change anything, without even trying anything is mind boggling.

I've seen memes shared that actually are stating false facts about American states with tighter gun control restrictions. One saying that all of the states with tighter restrictions have the worst gun violence, after just seeing an expert on the news state the exact opposite. The meme shares no factual data to back their claims, but others will see this and likely too many people will believe this to be true. It's disheartening, especially after learning what Russia was able to do with similar social media posts and the candidates. We learn nothing and continue to let false information and propaganda and fear drive our decisions. Not to mention that bottom line, the more guns that are out in the hands of people, the more gun violence you will have. It's not to say that those same states with stricter gun laws, don't somehow still have higher violence in general, but not gun driven. And for me personally, I think I have less of a chance surviving a bullet than someone coming at me with a knife. Most likely you have at least a running chance of getting away from a knife, bat, stick...whatever, unlike a bullet which is hard to run from.

We are telling people to not blame inanimate objects and how ridiculous it is do so, but while saying these things, they are treating guns, not as inanimate objects but rather giving them life of their own with statements such as "Don't blame the gun" and "It's not the gun's fault" Odd statements for something that has no feelings nor cares if you blame it. Especially because we immediately seem to blame a pit bull for attacking a person, but the owner is rarely punished. But it's apples and oranges. Another meme shared similar comparisons that didn't hold water for me either. "We don't blame the car in a DUI". While this is true, a driver isn't getting into a car drunk and saying, "hey I think I'll kill a bunch of people tonight." Though they inherently know the risk, it's not an intention to hurt people, which is the direct opposite of what the shooter was looking to accomplish in Florida. Then there is the "we don't blame the bomb in a bombing", but most people aren't trying to fight for their right to own a bomb and generally the bomb is destroyed in the bombing...and you can't go out and buy a bomb, you are making them in secret...so failed arguments and logic.

People are saying that the few bad apples shouldn't affect the vast majority of law abiding gun owners. These would be the same people who think that the few scammers of welfare should affect all welfare recipients, even ones that deserve it and need it. And scammers of welfare aren't killing people, so this troubles me too that we are so hypocritical.

Another statement I've read is people thinking that teachers should be armed and trained. I feel we would have far less competent teachers because being armed and trained to fight isn't a natural born teachers calling from my perspective. Otherwise they would be SWAT, Defense, Military, police and etc. Teaching our children is their calling. We would have a completely different type of teacher. This would also cost money, something our administration is trying to cut from public education and give it rather to the private school institutions. Please tell me how that works. It's ridiculous to make that part of the job description instead of simply making people do more to get a gun than is required to have a driver's license. To conceal and carry in my state, you need to take a test. However, if you don't want to conceal but just have one, then you don't need to take a test, but rather just wait a few days on the background check. This is to counter the argument that you would in fact have to take a test and gun safety classes to own a gun. From all my research in the state that I live, it's only for a conceal and carry permit. There are some states though, that do require the testing, but again, I'm not 100% on every state and if that is for (like here) just the conceal and carry.

Speaking of my state, it seems really ridiculously simple to fill out the initial application and the weird statement that you must be 21 for a hand gun, but 18 for a semi automatic. I'm not even sure I get that!? The gun most popular in general (which has the least necessary use among civilians) and most popular in mass shootings, is the gun we here in Minnesota think people should be able to buy at the younger age? Interesting. (Keep in mind this is the application for the permit, but cut and pasted directly from their own website)

Fill out a Minnesota Uniform Firearm Application/Receipt Permit to Purchase/Transfer. Submit the application to your local police chief, or if your municipality does not have a police department, to your county's sheriff. The law enforcement agency will conduct a series of background-related checks to assure you meet eligibility requirements established in state law.

Once those checks are complete, a one-year permit to purchase a handgun in Minnesota will be issued. If you are applying for a permit to transfer the law enforcement agency must notify you of its status within seven days of receipt.

Option 2

If you want to make a one-time purchase of a handgun from a dealer and you do not have a permit to purchase, you may apply directly at the gun shop where you will purchase the handgun. The gun shop will require you to complete a consent form that allows them to conduct a name and date-of-birth background check to determine your eligibility to purchase a gun. However, some businesses may choose to follow other business practices. The gun shops are entitled to charge a fee for this service.

Please read the following restrictions carefully. They apply to the possession of firearms, to purchase/transfer permits, and reports of transfer for handguns and semiautomatic military-style assault weapons. Individuals with restrictions shall not be entitled to possess a pistol or any other firearm. The legal basis for the restrictions may be found in federal law (18 United States Code § 922) or Minnesota law (Minnesota Statutes, §§ 253B.02, 624.712, 624.713. 624.7131 or 624.714). I understand the following:

• I must be at least 21 years old to purchase a handgun or handgun ammunition from a federally licensed dealer. 
• I must be at least 18 years old to purchase a semi-automatic assault rifle.

There are many more restrictions around criminal aspects of restrictions, but I'm confused by this differing in age.

I wonder why people feel that their right to have an AR-15 supersedes the rights of children to not be shot and killed in school. I won't be convinced that this particular gone is necessary for anyone to have. Do I know people that have them? Yep. Do I think they are going to hurt people? Nope. But will they have pretty much any other gun at their disposal? Yes. So again, why are we so steadfastly clinging to the need to have this particular gun. I read an interesting article that really put it into perspective. It's popular. It's what the professionals use. And that is how many people make their purchasing decisions with anything and everything. They want to have what everyone else has. If a basketball player has a new tennis shoe, all the kids want that tennis shoe. Will they be a great ball player too, probably not, but boy the feel closer to that ball player. 

Another post I saw recently basically insinuated that if you were for gun control at all then you were a gun hater or gun owner hater. Very short sighted and unequivocally untrue. I get it. I've gone hunting, I've shot guns. It is fun, but I can always live without an AR-15 and so could the victims of the crazed killer who got his hands on one and four or so other weapons in the year leading up to this. Does he need mental healthcare? I can assume he does. Hard to get that with our administration and it's supporters wanting to remove health care from those dang poor people sucking up our tax dollars, so now what? Should the FBI have caught the tip they received and done something about it? Absolutely. It's tragic that they didn't, but they are not the only one to blame in this equation. They missed it, we didn't help treat him, we didn't restrict his access to his guns, he found encouragement on websites on how to make his gun more deadly (not that he used it thank God), and we continue to publish his name and give him the fame he most likely desires. We are still moving this cycle in the same direction and no one wants to change one damn thing. It's always just talk and rhetoric and then the next shooting happens and it's the same bs discussion. Though the wonderful kids of this most recent shooting are speaking up this time and I'm so impressed and learning so much from them. 

Will tightening laws stop people from getting guns illegally? Of course not, but will it stop some of these shootings? Yes. And isn’t something better than nothing?  I admit, I’m not well versed in the complete or even semi complete knowledge of guns. But I still see no legitimate need for these weapons. The arguments keep coming back with no explanation other than they don’t believe it changes or will change anything. These stricter states aren't strict enough in my opinion. What about gun laws scare people? What if we actually made people take a mental health test as well as gun safety and a test on their knowledge of guns while waiting for the background check? What if it took more than a conviction to send up a flag? What if you had 3-5 domestic assault calls but (as tends to happen in domestic assault) chargers aren't filed. Shouldn't that be enough to say, um no, you don't need a gun or we need more in depth background check.

I do not think that all guns should be banned, but I think simply doing nothing to stop these shootings is not the answer. Not at least discussing gun reform (whether we get it or not) is definitely not the answer.  And though the gun isn’t the only thing to stop it is one of the things to stop and I will not stop believing that.  

There is yet one more and the most famous argument that I used to say myself 10 years ago. The guns don’t kill people statement, which is overused and really historically wrong. They are deliberately used to kill people. They are accidentally used to kill people. But most importantly they were designed to kill people. The entire reason for their creation and invention is exactly how they are being used, so how do we separate that? We started with rocks, then rocks on sticks and etc...until we landed here with guns. All these things used in a fight, a fight to win. They were later used for sporting reasons, but down the road.

Again, it appears that it isn’t necessary, other than they don’t want their cool toy taken away.

It wasn’t designed to protect for a military take over as some would suggest. That again was an after thought, after guns had already been invented. The AR-15 itself was something designed for the military, but somehow landed in the hands of the general public. as it wasn't fully automatic. 

Are those speaking out against gun control be right thought? Can it be a slippery slope where gun owners fear that all of their guns will be taken away? Some on social media have told me that it’s impossible to even recall the “millions” (scary) of AR-15s out there, so what are they worried about? Not to mention, the AR-15 is so easily changeable, when we did attempt to ban them, those changes were made (thanks loophole) and now they are back on the shelves. I think as hard as it is just to get one type of gun out of circulation in this country, those currently worried about losing all of their guns have nothing to worry about in their lifetime.

Taxol: Six of Them Left...

UPDATE: They said yesterday was six, but I only count 5. I will need to resolve this...

Sleeping has been my thing as of late, and when I’m not sleeping, I’m filling out paperwork or trying to keep up with the 5 year old. There is nothing like finding the energy to start doing the dishes and this when she wants me to help with her something. Seriously, for over an hour, nothing, and then I move or someone calls and she needs all of my focus. It's a wonder I get anything done with this not so tiny dictator in my home. Thank God for preschool or I think we would both be sick of each other by now. Okay, she adores me and I her, but some days...

Last week I went to treatment with my little brother. He is so cute.  (Don’t tell him I said that) We didn’t talk too much as we were both buried in our electronics we brought. I was bent over my laptop as the nurse tried to administer treatment. The cord kept getting in my way while I tried to type. But in my defense, I had to act quickly before she brought out the Benedryl. It's not long after this medication and I'm drooling and seeing 10 fingers...on one hand. 

Kellen, not noticing any of this as watched Netflix on IPAD. Whether we spoke or not it was nicer having someone with me than going it alone.

I hadn’t noticed neuropathy until this past week. My feet had become this weird fuzzy numbness on top of the dryness. I could only assume it was this neur..op..athy...the doctors spoke of. 

Now I have to be on the watch for this and whether or not it gets worse. I’m hoping with only 6 weeks left of chemo before the daily radiation begins that it won’t become too terrible. It can become permanent and I don’t want that to happen. I tend to not remember or notice things like this too much. I’m a big baby about needles, but yet I don’t react to other pain in the way that I should.

After celebrating, the kid brother’s birthday later that evening with a game of Pandemic (that is after we forced him off his laptop where he did nothing but talk to his friends online) I brought him home in the morning. It’s always lovely visiting with him. (sarcasm)

Next, I finally got back in to see my counselor, which they offer you with cancer treatment. It went well, but as is typical of me, I’m all over the place on topics in a short hour. It will be hard or I’ll need a lot of appointments just to nail down one topic. 

So many things stressing me out, not to mention our current POTUS, but I won’t get into that too much (if I can stop myself, which I probably won't be able to) as I know that it’s a very sensitive issue. I do get into it on my Facebook with posts here and there.  And I do delete posts that I don’t agree with, but I see that arguing with people almost seems fruitless. We only see what we want to see and we can’t see what we don’t understand or won't try to open our minds to understand. Yep just went off on a topic, I'll save that for another post I think. (Delete, delete, delete, delete)

So moving along, it was good to get things off of my chest. From my brother’s passing, who I have yet to deal with that, to financial issues, to wedding stress, to people that have aggravated me recently due to their lack of compassion for others, to cancer treatment, to just normal day to day. There is a heavy weight on me all of the time.  So this has likely contributed to me not updating my blog longer than usual. My heart simply hasn't been in writing. But hopefully that is changing now.

On another note, my daughter will be going with her dad this weekend. My wonderful fiancé and I will get some time to ourselves for the first time in awhile. It should be very stress relieving and relaxing. I think we will maybe go somewhere like a movie and play some board games, with out the tot taking the tiny pieces. She likes tiny objects.

Finally, today I went to another treatment, sans companion this time. And this round, along with the last, the port access was painless…thank the Lord. Another stressor, as I have mentioned previously.

I had my original Nurse again and the one I met recently. They are both such wonderful women. Quite frankly, they all are so wonderful. Doing what they do, makes me want to cry. To see what they see everyday (like most nurses), but dealing with life and death like they do and having such resolve to stay positive and happy for our benefits and making this process so much easier than it would otherwise be. I can’t thank them enough.

I had a later appointment this time, so no lunch menu, but that’s fine. It’s so flavorless for me. I remember enjoying the food so much more after having my daughter there, so I know it’s not horrible food. It’s not a five star restaurant, but no worse than cafeteria food in school. That’s just my opinion though.

Well I need more coffee and I have to finish getting Melina's bags ready for school and her dads, since insomnia and the head sweats have reared their ugly heads... It's totally sexy to be sweating from the bald head. Blah!

Round 3 Down, But Not Before Adding Fear to Round 4.

I woke up Wednesday morning with anxiety as I had on Monday, the originally scheduled appointment.  I was 6 appointments in and the anxiety about treatment as well as the despair about continued chemo were mounting. I cancelled Monday with elated joy as I realized my cold was still hanging on and I didn’t want to risk getting more sick from chemo with having a cold. I don’t know if it’s a real thing, but I didn’t want to chance it. (Okay, and I really didn’t want to go) My daughter was also sick.

I have been feeling down and depressed the last week and a half about so many things. Again, I hate to turn this blog into something sad and dark, but I think there are these moments for all of us. Some of us do well with treatment the majority of the time with bouts of sadness and some of them of us are doing poorly the majority of time with bouts of happy times. I think I’m somewhere in between, but I didn’t even realize how sad I was until this last week.

The first Taxol was awesome, or so I thought. I realized after the second round that the comparison of Red Devil to Taxol made the first Taxol seem awesome. The second round I started to feel the effects of the Taxol, itself. And for some reason I began to feel depressed.  I didn’t want to leave the house. I know I gained weight again. I feel like no matter what I do, I get nothing done. I worry about my finances and when I return to work. My eyebrows are slowly disappearing as are my eyelashes – and I still haven’t figured out how to do the fake lashes yet. I hate taking showers because I hate touching my body or seeing it at all, and I haven’t even had a mastectomy. Which makes me feel selfish for feeling so sorry for myself when I haven’t experienced the level to which others have. It makes me think of my brother and all that he went through.

I have dreams about him, followed by nightmares of my own fears of death. After conversations with my fiancé I have finally started scheduling my counseling appointments again. I forgot to schedule another one after the holidays. I just don’t know how to grieve the loss of Jake at all at this point because my own cancer came up so quickly after. It’s coming in bits and pieces. My 5 year old randomly cries about her uncle and she wants to give him a hug and a kiss. It breaks my heart.

Anyway, (tears wiped)…back to the appointment. I had my guest of honor all set up for Monday, my bestie Melissa, however, with my cancellation she lost the ability to go with me due to her work schedule. And I knew that was a possibility. Wednesday, I went alone. I had another new nurse that would be accessing my port for the first time, (meaning it was my first time having this particular nurse access my port, which always sends my hands into fits of the nervous sweats). Even with the numbing cream on my skin, it really hurt. And I have a mark now…that’s new.  Anyway, right away I thought, “Great! Next time I’m going to be so afraid of this part.” Quite honestly, I’m always afraid of this part, but now it’s going to be so much worse knowing that it truly can hurt. Tears ran down my cheeks as I knew in that moment that the remaining treatments would bring with it increased anxiety and it was not likely to dissipate.

As I mentioned before there was a mark on my skin. I thought, perhaps it was seeing what was being inserted into the port for the first time ever.  I always squeeze my eyes shut tight to NEVER see and I try to avoid looking at all of the medical equipment laid out in front of them. This time I looked, for some insane reason, and it was in my head. Surely, I freaked myself out.  However, two days later there is a lump and a mark.  A sure sign that something wasn’t done right.  The last time the nurse did an awesome job, and I didn’t feel a thing. I guess I’m paying my dues on that one.

Taxol #2 - Will food taste like crap forever, and why can't I stop eating it if it does?

Round 2.  I had a completely written post, ready to go and publish and then I realized, man it was depressing. I can express all that I’m feeling in a different more entertaining way, but how?

The side effects of Taxol are becoming more obvious now that I’m getting further away from the tough stuff. The biggest thing is still the taste buds. So many foods that I loved that I either no longer love or taste completely weird. I tried a screw driver the other day. Liquor doesn’t really do too much for me these days, but every so often I have to try one…you know, just to see. And it was bland and weird. My bestie told me that she too found that the orange juice tasted strange. Whew. Not just me. So I tried a greyhound. Grapefruit juice strong enough to make any mouth pucker and strong enough for me to taste it? Yep, taste it I certainly did.  It had a hint of grapefruit, a hint of vodka, and a hint of … tuna!!?? Well that isn’t right and most likely isn’t the juice, but my taste buds.

So I give up on enjoying most foods without pouring three pounds of salt on it. On the bright side, dry mouth isn’t as bad. And another bright side with the weird taste buds, I’m having to drink more water again.  Water had fallen to the wayside because I was feeling good and now that I’m not feeling great again, I want the water. It's for the best, I more than need the water.

That is one side effect. The other new thing since being on Taxol is I can’t wear a hat to bed. I’ve been avoiding going bald to bed because of my own insecurities, but apparently the night sweats are happening. Don’t panic, readers. It’s only on my head and only when I wear my hat. Most likely it’s chemopause. (And the nurse's aren't worried yet) I wake up with my hat drenched. Not a lovely look. So I gave up on wearing those to bed and Kevin's fiance is officially bald to him.

For those that are unsure chemopause is like menopause. Happens during chemo and can lead to knocking me into menopause. Which I’m hoping doesn’t happen, but given that I still have 10 weeks left of Taxol, I don’t have high hopes.

And the last side effect to write about is eyebrows.  As in bye bye eyebrows.  I haven’t even learned how to draw them on yet…gulp! I’m sure I can find some youtube videos to help train me. There is still some left, but each shower, they are less and less.

But in all seriousness, I miss my old life before all of this. It's been since September when this all began and I'm just so sick of it all, but I guess I should really be grateful and not complain. And yet I can't help but miss my ignorance...shit if I'm asking for things I think I'd like to go back before Jake got sick and have him still be here too...but then I would ask for dad too... Boo! 

I guess I miss the boring, mundane life of work and home. Not worrying about bills, other than the normal pay check to pay check.  And maybe from time to time going to the doctor for a check up, but having everything be fine. I guess it won't be like that again for a long time. 

So in the meantime, I'll sport some new hair and paint on some eyebrows. And in the near future, I imagine I will try to master the art of fake eyebrows. 

Taxol: I think I got this...

It has been a crazy week since my first treatment of Taxol and I have 11 more weeks of this to go. I brought my mother to this round as my support system since this one fell on a Tuesday and not Kevin's day off.

We arrived on time and everything went the way it usually goes, though the waiting was a bit longer. It was the day after New Years, so they had two days of patients. I was placed (at first) in the most exposed seat in the fusion room, which I was not a fan of, and there was no table for my computer. Life’s problems, right?

I right away started to feel sick and they had literally given me nothing, not even a saline drip. I was moments away from throwing up when she had (during this time) given me Benadryl. This made me so drowsy the nausea faded. I realized that most likely all the horrendous experiences with the red devil were messing with my head and showing up in a very, real, physical reaction.

Actually, before they had even taken me back I was handed my lunch menu and that made me sick. The memories of the lunches eaten before in the fusion room caused my stomach to swirl and head to spin in disgust, even if the food is quite good. And, honestly, it is good but the association to the treatment is more than my brain can bear.

Once I felt better the food came within moments, and the treatment went faster than the previous. If it weren’t for the delays, we may have gotten out of their earlier. Not a complaint, just a reality of the new chemo not taking as long as the first more aggressive treatment.

My ray of sunshine, I didn’t need to have the nulasta pack. Man I gagged just a little at the thought of that. 

It was a huge relief. I would rather do weekly treatments then have to go through that again. I felt nauseated every time the pack would kick on 27 hours after it was placed on my stomach. Once it kicked on it would inject medicine for 45 minutes. Vomit. I didn’t need the steroids anymore either. I had hoped that they were the cause of my heartburn, but turns out I still need to take that Prilosec.

I do forget to take my vitamins now that I have less other medications to take. And I just remembered I didn’t take it today either…oh boy. I also have been waning on the water intake. When you don’t feel as bad you forget, but I’m not so foolish to think that I will feel this good next time as the Red Devil was different each time as well.

With less meds, I hoped for less side effects and true they are less, however, there are some new ones as well. My eyebrows are disappearing.  My head is sweating profusely at night, so I can’t wear the hats like I like to when I sleep. I hear that it’s normal, but it scares me a little as I know cancer causes night sweats. But would I just sweat in one place? A question for the doctor tomorrow or nurse. I only see the doctor once every three weeks now, unless requested.

Oh, wait, there is more. I have extra dry feet and weird discolorations on my fingers and toes (though that kind of started with the Red Devil). It’s super cute. Plus, I feel like I have aged so much. And still, no weight loss. I want to be upset about the lack of weight loss, but (and I may have said this before) this could be the reason I have staved off sickness and/or infections. Maintaining, if not gaining, a glorious overweight weight.

Then the rest of the week I had so many worries. Combatting with how I feel with worrying about my forgetfulness and paying the bills. Let me tell you, chemo brain is a real thing. I have made more mistakes with my bills when on the Red Devil then I realized, and I feel like I’m coming out of that fog and trying to play catch up. I sit here trying to be sure there is nothing we are forgetting. The house is also falling behind in cleaning as Kevin is only one man.

And there is the paperwork in relationship to the treatments to fill out that required a trip to the post office. By 500 pm I’m ready for bed and I’m oversleeping. This week has been quite the opposite in some ways. No insomnia, that’s for sure. Staying awake is the problem.

And the one errand I ran this week that meant more to me than I could do justice with words was a visit to a friend of a friend. I was bestowed two wigs by this woman who she, herself, is battling cancer. However, she isn’t battling like me, she is foregoing her treatment and donating her vast collection of wigs that she never had the chance to use. She felt awesome helping me and I’m eternally grateful to have more options in hair ware. The shorter wigs are much better for more daily wear as the long ones don’t last as long if worn daily. The long one will be for special occasions.

Spending time with this wonderful woman and seeing her strength and spirit makes me realize how lucky I am at this point. I know things could change. I could be in the clear and then not. Or I could live to be 101, but I can only aspire to be as strong and generous as this woman is. I thank her. It seems small, but it really isn’t. She is one of so many women and men and sadly children facing a death sentence and still living her life. Still helping others with the time she has left. It’s incredible. She is incredible.

Another early morning appointment/day tomorrow. My lovely little brother joined me and Melina today for my cousin’s 4-year old’s birthday party, however, the little brother and Melina both have school.  Kevin and I will be dropping them off early in the morning before the next round of chemo. I should be getting my hiney to bed, but I realized I’m about to run into another post. Oops. Told you this week was a little nutty.