Anyways, yesterday morning we left the house with our sweet, almost, 5 year-old and headed to my mother's to drop her off. I had a bag packed with a game (Oregon Trail - Card version), my cousin's IPad to watch Netflix, pjs (just in case), meds, and more.
I gave the tot a hug goodbye and we headed to the hospital. I was nervous, but still feeling as calm as I could be attempted. Kevin dropped me off at the main entrance while he parked the car. Once he picked out a spot he joined me and we took the long, confusing, and winding hallway back to the oncology wing. We signed in and immediately I was taken in for vitals.
I knew that they would be accessing my port, taking blood, blood pressure, and <gulp> ... weight. Once everything else was done besides accessing the port, my blood pressure must have shot through the roof. I was twisting and squeezing my hands. I had put on a numbing cream on the port, but I could feel the RN touching it. It gave me little hope that it wouldn't hurt due to the bruising of the surgery.
Tears rolled down my cheeks and the hand ringing persisted as I just kept saying, "I don't know what to do." I truly felt that I was going to leave and say, "Forget the chemo, I can't do it." The pain I imagined was horrifying. The last few months I had new experiences and was told that the pain wouldn't be so bad, and it turned out to be worse. Most of it could be my fear or so I thought at the time.
When I finally decided to tough it out and do it, every nerve tingled with fear and anticipation. But, it truly didn't hurt. Now, in retrospect, I felt confident that the other moments weren't heightened by my fear, it truly hurt. It doesn't make me feel better about any upcoming need for IVs that don't access my port.
After the catheter was placed, my fiance and I were then led back to an exam room to meet with a nurse and then the other doctor on staff, for a preliminary exam before going back to infusion. That too a wee bit longer, as I had not met him before and he wanted to get caught up on me. My main doctor booked solid and tends to be on the days that I want for treatment. Good thing, this whole office works as a team.
Now was time to go back to the infusion room...nope, they were backed up so we went to the lobby again and waited for a chair and the medications to be ready. In the meantime, I could have coffee!!!! And I got to put a lunch order in. It looked delicious.
A half an hour later we were led back to the infusion room. I was looking forward to watching Netflix, but I was worried once more about what pain I might feel. The nurse reassured me that there would be no pain with any of the meds she administered.
And there were quite a few meds that they would be giving me prior to the actual actual chemo. And several flushes in between. When all was said and done the chemo was 30 minutes, but all the other meds were about an hour and a half. We got there at 1000 am and left at almost 300 pm. (Oh and by the way, the food was not as tasty as it sounded. Not bad, just bland)
I enjoyed the show The Mist, until I realized that a certain producer from the news was on the credits. Ugh! Guilt in watching. And then there was the wonderfully soothing company of my fiance- oh and the massaging chair of course.
Once the port catheter was removed, they then attached another machine that will give me an injection in 27 hours from the removal of the catheter. This will help pump up my blood counts as they will take a dive in a couple of days. And I get to start nausea meds and steroids, and other things once I see how I feel.
I almost cried some more when they were going to do the med machine due to the fear of the unknown pain again. Thankfully, this did not hurt either.
On the way to pick up my girl, I felt okay until after we got home. Then down hill with the illness, I went. Nothing horrible. Just dizzy, nauseated, and tired, even with taking the nausea pills. I took the stronger one, which brings on headaches. So more meds. Due to all of this, I'm home again today to see how I react before the next treatment.
My plan is to return tomorrow afternoon after the counselor appointment. I have mentioned this before, but the meeting tomorrow is something they want us all to do and are happy when we decide to do this.
I intend to be at work all next week, but this weekend is Melina's very small celebration of her birthday and I'm hoping I have the energy to make it a good one for her.
I also worry about when the hair will fall out. Most times I can put a funny spin on it. Some people get my sick twisted humor, but a lot don't. The last couple of days, however, I feel many fears coursing through me and it's not so easily shut off. I'm also so tired, but cannot sleep. I've been up since 200 am.
Yesterday, when I really struggled the most with the idea of pain (one thing I heard from my that was Jacob's biggest fear as well), I sat in the exam room with Kevin and tried to pull myself together. A nurse came in and handed me a hand knitted or crocheted shawl/blanket with a cross ornament and a Bible verse attached. I couldn't help (even now) tear up and think it was Jake's way of sending me comfort.
Well enough of that mushy stuff. It's time to move on with the day and get some rest...
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